A true story

Isn't it?

2011-12-02T11:46:00.001-08:00

Isn't it. Ur a dearest now. my heart is pumping on ur nearness, mind exploding on high vibrations when ur picture is in brain theater. skin is shrinking opening cells for ur finger is crawling up and down printing on diamonds of love. So u call ur poem of want.
u want to..many but never without it. What ur is how u perceive me. Rightfully i admit. dont care. For play for u is a stimulating go into the most powerful unknow. U gave me power that already is in, but im saving it, for im real in this time. That is afraid to use what is really mine. mine mine. nothing from the outside. nothing from the inside. mine mine mine.

on a red carpet.

2011-10-24T03:28:00.001-07:00

On a red carpet in a violet balloon i roam above the oceans below.
Patches of green hidden in grey clouds r new to eyes that century were lost in space
of nothing and all.
Nowhere a challenge is found, how u and i
2human can become one of all that there is alive.
This balloon is showing me the way of past becoming future in present reaching out for us2.
Couse i love u.
Everything about u.
Destructive forces are pure in here, can see but beauty, hear but smile, feel but love.
And that is how the earth is of u and i. My love.

A stor ry

2011-10-16T10:37:00.000-07:00

On the side of u trusting is easy. Memories of looking for it got in a way and r let go. So fine ur. Truth does u matter when all is allright!?!?!

One summer morning sun just got up i rolled down the sandy hill to touch the ocean clean from the rest of the humans jumping in. Wanted to see it big as it was millions years ago. When sprouded fish were dominating the planet as green as the wildest jungle somewhere in..the island was a cozy pillow laying in a carribien sea.
A blondie dreaming of a place like that took its time and made splashing heart living its full power line.Now, nothing could be in a way but a chat of someone like i was years till i got away.
"Oh, sun burning this skin, water in drops am ur milk, take my juice and share it with the rest that somehow got lived as if it doesnt exist in most splended form of life. Perfection is in thoughts, fading, keep fading what desires made me of me."
So was received a love bite still shown in the eyes. Hidden well yet not from him.

One turn and was captured. Love spreaded round the beach, he the way he is turned cells into slavery for a bit to long to recognize it as a dream, illusion of this new land.

a bit to short.

2011-08-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

nobody gives me thrill like u do.
leaves r green or brown, im counting
love story on my mind, so slow
can feel way it turns me on, my baby.

u got the flow that is singing my song
u got the eyes of floor i wanna stand in
something might tell u fool
don't bother, life is a bit to short
to mater.

2011-08-26T13:43:00.000-07:00

Crazy

Who?

2011-05-22T13:11:00.001-07:00

Steady rock, hard by the water. Throw it.
First kiss, remember, taste. Keep it.
Salty spread all over chocolate, wonder, ask. Believe it.
Musk of ocean, beach and sun. Look for it.
Who is u, me or what. Matter not, lie.
Is a tear to wash my skin? Ask not, feel.
My mind shouts. Listen, putt it aside.
Maybe, baby, flash ur. Here by my side.
Date done, morning came out. In love.
Tonight once more open the door. Breath and laugh.

Still i live

2011-05-04T12:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, no worries there!
But it is taking me some time to remember what else i like to do!? Did u notice perception of time how very much it has changed!?
Oh, yes, im not talking only couse im older, but Earth is having its deeply renovating trip with us on her back! And she is nothing but a bug on the back of univers and on and on and on..
Take care and be gentle. It must be strong for us all..is it?!

Im up with thoughts and down with period as a woman being. And woman's sense is telling me stories.

its beautiful, confusing, powerful, clear ..its just some old memories that are holding not quite helpful paths, pasive reality activations..Must be now a child of the old world. And i carry 33 earthly years. Only!

I wonder if past went so fast and turbulent what only can future hold..looking present as if aliens are living among us clearing their true story again and again..Yes, yes..call it conspiracy and this to. If Obama is elected in 2012 we are facing a 3rd world war..But it make sense. So much good is awakening and that can only mean the opposite is rising with same amount of power. More destroyed, more new can start..ah..balance understanding. chaos.

U see u can watch news and tv and how mouth are opening, but (must be that woman) sense is sharing a different version of truth. Its all a bla bla performance. politics, fancy type of show. Getting famous. And much more. We label it Mystical. Why?! Because it is carrying out plans from thousand of years ago. it is a continuing process of specific intelligence, something opposite of common good!
Obama who's cute boy ur, what game ur putting on!?

One more thing.
We r all aliens to one another, more now. Strange, interesting..Time is revealing purposes so clear now. And people are able to see it more and more...Well, people..what ever that means..

If u seat on another planet watching down what goes on here, u laugh and cry at the same time.a game of two forces striking together not seeing anything else but opposite from it self. Can it be?! Let me have a look again.

Waith..i can see::::. Clear thin line on the horizon!!! U know something in between of up and down, day and night, earth and sky, u and i!
UAAAAAAAAAAAAU

Full moon

2011-04-18T12:51:00.001-07:00

Beauty is a form of genius - is higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation. It is of the great facts in the world like sunlight, or springtime, or the reflection in dark water of that silver shell we call the moon.

Oscar Wilde

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Ignorance is the night of the mind, a night without moon or star.

Confucius

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Don't judge any man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins.

Indian Proverb

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Volki

2011-03-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Let

2011-03-19T11:24:00.000-07:00

Let know
where flow
is caught
in thought
in minute
in cord
in step
in lough
in drop
in mirror
in faith
in u
..
and most of all
let know when flow
is caught in
wish to come.
Others than ones that
simply blow minds and
leave treasures of heart
behind. Ha..?!
Let.

Another walk.

2011-03-14T02:50:00.000-07:00

We Can say there is a regret in my head for not doing old connections firm and active. Being alone for a long time with always new people coming and going it made sense that ur always alone. As only constant in life u and ur self with relationship with outside, that is like changing photocolage.
Walking the old paths by the river is very much walking old memories. Obviously not for u to remember the old times but seeing something old with new eyes. Or old as something new.
U seat, observe. Water flow, birds, trees, and ur IN(the moment and time and self). U go home , u connect with that through what ur good at. We named it Art, and than u find ur self again, seeking the connection, to what we call greatness. Expressing, reacting on a great experience of being there, complete by the river on that walk, than make it art it appears to be an actual cut. As if ur cut ur self from the flow and allowing ur self to step into one moment where something great revealed to/through u.
And only after coming out creation u r glory about making it happen or doubt for not doing it well u seak human factor to connect and compare . U can step so in in out of the view u r broth up that feeling closeness of belonging seams important. It is also the thing that pushes u back into ur own path of searching, understanding. or simply just letting be without putting it somewhere.

Yet exciting knowledgment is that cuts becomes not so clear and they start to fade after accepting this new views and let them flow, with no big in and out reality jumps.

sweetest thing..

2011-03-07T12:46:00.000-08:00

The road may roll in front.
but means nothing
if my step dont follow!

Roses red and blue,
my favorite things.
As river goes around red stone,
My dwelling heart jumps of joy
makes eyes not look for more.

..and ears can hear.

U know ur
my my my
just like that.
Damn, i like
favorite sweetest thing.
Makes me go in front,
gives meaning to road.

Oh, what is up falling down?!
A woman without favorite sweetest thing!

A poem!

2011-03-01T03:39:00.000-08:00

slowly 's going.
to slow.
impatiente i get.
hungry, confused.
hope nothing will do.
Yes, latter be sad
again.
i see isee
love and peace
only make me flow
this life, this choice
another and again.

fast , slow, so strong.
show, go, ill say
feel, be, make sense.

sometimes
i can let go
wish is more.
to little is understand
against what is known.

by, Nina, jajaja

Did it again. Ups....:)

2010-11-13T18:16:00.000-08:00

Where to begin when im always there..at the beginning. Hihihi..im laughing. Its so silly sometimes u see. Way I am in life, the life is to me and wuf…there is nothing out there for me that is not already in me..

Love how philosophical one can spend its time. What eternal reasons we keep using and from real acknowledgment must share it is absolutely becoming meaningless and boring. It is one of those things that u get rid of for a while and than it becomes reflected in others..wow.Its not seeing that from other perspective, knowing it so well in others while they live it, just frustrating and latter no words can be said!? when u know what they are feeling and trying to do..ah..jajaja...

I had a thought..hahaha. listen.

“In thought I am dead.

From idea I rise.

For my talent is to run

Horse I’ve become.”

Because, a thought is not life.

A thought is a tool, how bring idea into life.

Ur a life of those ideas.

Ideas r seeds from which talents grow.

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A thought, thou, is only valuable in its true place and time with in u.

How smart and how meaningless it all is. It is worth it when u live it and becomes stupid when addressed to people that don’t pay the ticket for listening. I mean who really wants to know.

So in this case when I get bored I know its time to move. Cant and wont change surrounding , im not turn on by it, so better do my thing u know.!? And life goes back to its sparkles and trickles and other words im not particularly familiar with. but they mean fun and liveliness.

The thing is that is just so much u can learn when being among others. But when u learn and realize it it would be complete nonsense to enter something its not in ur interest. I love this type of ego. It has its place and time.

Im in time when I don’t take photos or write. Its else time.

Funny a place where emotions are just somewhere left alone to deal with themself and ur just in ur cool self.! Hihihih..

Got to say: " I did it again."

P.S. Something still is on a bother. there one that needs to be awaken. other wise he shall loose all the one can loose. im thinking how to make it happened. can i really influence. i heard stories. it is time for one. just like that. onse super story time , ok!?

Love u IS.

2010-10-04T21:01:00.000-07:00

"It is time to go", said the time. Than closed the door and left.

Time has no smell, has no form, has no shape, has no color or a habit. Wonderful solder of a playground constructed by our own voices. Time is the voice.

When u want to live with more people first smart thing is to connect with this voices. This is also the voice that is creating u friends in the place where u are. If ur in good relationship with the voice of time u shall be well received and taking care of with others. But if for reasons known to u u choose not to listen the voice u start listening to other voice that is coming from no time and it is talking about the world being an illusion, people just wasting time, that is why they creating it. Because if there is no time there is nothing to waste. And explanations go on and on.

Funny I confess I like both. But recently I could understand what i have heard so much ocations, heard SILENCE. AND IT DIDN’T WHISPER ANY WORDS..

IS JUST STRANGE and different continence of what u hear than when u use directions of voice of time or no time.. its so strange I cant even explain it. But really what im doing right now is using the voice of time to explain the voice of no time by talking about silence.

And it goes like this on and on, again.

I love u, I don’t love..but love is not a question. I am love. J hihihihi..

I said goodbye from a friend…fock, we eat and talk and the truth was out there not trying to look better. Flow began. We were home. We stepped out of the restaurant, hugged, strong AND with efection. We hugged kissed, and repeated 3 times, and I said..i love u and having u as a friend is very important to me. I know now I loved u from right place. Love is real.

We touched for the last time with our cheeks wet of tears and smile shining from lips. We walked away not looking back, sad in head and happy in heart.

Im proud to be this person! And to know this person. Life is great so much more after u get over of making it condemn. Or something. It is a glorious flow of energy, vibrations, people, surprises, gifts and teachings..

Hallo California!

Sharing

2010-09-21T12:06:00.001-07:00

“Something u said made me feel extremely bad. And knowing how u think I decided to keep it for my self, wait for something that u teach to happen. Well it simply didn’t work and bad feelings are now here with even reason and explanation. So something did happened after all. Clear perspective. No longer I can hear from ur mouth blabla it’s a women talk, to emotional not rational.

It is also funny that what u teach is still so framed into what society was thinking and determine hundreds of years ago, while ur really so liberated..i thought, anyway..

Im sad that time came when I see what I need to do is go and live on my own without u being there holding me. Kissing me and looking at me . How ur eyes are is so different than how ur words come out. And I love u so much. What is in ur eyes? I guess since the begging love was there. Once life strike us with needed communication to cut the hours and make some importance of time we blow it. But im happy that I can see. That is why I shall go with love still being there. And when im gonna see u the next time I will sparkle, for we gonna be there with eyes, present. And no more unnecessary words would take focus away. Oh, and don’t forget the doctor appointment on Friday, Lisa will come for the money on Saturday at 11 am, and Jack, he needs to go and make pee in the morning, ok!? Call me if u need anything. Im there. Lov u, bye.”

Is what she said on that Sunday afternoon while sipping warm lemon grass tea. Didn’t say a word, tear came, so did from her corners of eyes, but truth, I never felt so much love between us like now. She is gone and im staying with my old habits, gaining new ones. Jake is happy and he started to sleep in bed something I never aloud before. I thought it is not appropriate. I started to cook him like she did before he doesn’t like briquettes. I take him for walk 2 time per day. And strangely I don’t really think about her. She is here , present. Was wandering if this is what she meant the other day on the phone when she was talking about God. This sensation, that somebody or something is always present. And if u take it slow u can really feel it and everything seems ok and in its place. I don’t know. I hate the idea of God. And religion. And spiritualism..what is all that crap?! People living under different rules just like atheist, but really they are not more loving or non discriminating..they are even worse. My God is better than from others..ah..its ashity…bloody God it is in reality.

Yet ..i don’t know I kind liked what she said when she put a long speech about her experience on mushrooms that she had, seeing God is in us, is us. She said she was flying there, hallucinating and in front of her was an altar of Jesus and Maria..She said other people were there In the room sharing the journey and they were in struggle or really happy but always from one extreme to another. She was just sitting deciding she will not react she will observe and see where the sacred mushrooms will take her. And there she was, she said: “..once I was able to calm from a strong affect that took me in this emotions and loosing any kind a sense of reality I manage focus on the light from a candle, looking Jesus behind holding heart in his hand . All the noises and big fuss around me slowly went away. Was in the spiral move, like time line. In the shape of caracol and was sitting and watching the life of all of me of animals, plants universe, stars..everything u can imagine and more. There was more, but mind couldn’t recognize, sound were whispering in my ears and colors, shapes were moving and glowing. It was spectacular performance, every little cell was alive. Of course we get so distracted from our self in everyday life. Its because we put focus on the outside, u know?” she continue..

And she add that more ur in action more ur far from the real u which is a point or space where nothing that we know is. No emotions, no feeling, no color, smell it is pure and that is why we can do so many different things and create so many diversities. The thing is that actually if u wanna be in center it doesn’t mean u have to go and meditate all the time or live in a monastery. No, that is awesome news!!! All u need to do is get the experience of ur self, maintain it and enjoy the fruits of the actions of this world. Its fascinating. Of course while u do that u automatically stop doing things that are bad or negative. Because of the nature of thoughts ,ideas that gets to be created in u..” Oh I wish u would have this experience. And don’t look for label in ur head now, baby. Its doesn’t have it its just an adventure!”,

She left again. Didnt hear from her for a while now. She make me think she is crazy and far from what I want, but something is happening and is awakening the interest.

Hm..gotta take Jack for a walk.

D...a DF.FF

2010-08-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

Weekend in DF was strange, great, loving, fearful, full of compassion and realizations. It was a weekend in DF!!! Of course its confused in explain it..

After spending good wet Zipolite time, where me and girls encounter even bigger surprise by being invited to a nice hotel with good food. From Thursday to Tuesday time was clicking differently. It went to slow to slower. Laying as death corpses on a not so shady swinging bed, eating what mind desired, drink what once was seen in best movies..life was hard, yeah, right!!! I fell in love with my girls, NINA, MARTA, one more time.

Reunited in DF was now warm inside more than outside. Burned and skin in a start to peal, party time began. That usually freaks me out. I cant stop, when there is no time to stop. So we went for it,. Tired or no, with a plan of a calm night we never ended before 5 am. Teenage people mostly in their minds. So was I. Not better or worst.
Meeting a very nice girl, my exboyfriend woman(from Croatia) made me kind a , well its weird, but it’s a fact that is comforting to me…will not speak of why its only for close minds, jajaja..love me more for not sharing all.
She has a big strong spirit and I see my self in her.
I needed to say goodbye from her with a kiss and sentence ”u have a really good person in ur life(meaning boyfriend)” and I meant every little intension in it.

Went on a date, with a guy, that from 2nights ago that I lean my eyes on him for the first time I could see some fishy stuff.. but as he is very cute and obviously well secure in money issue, everybody thought he is a nice guy. And he is. Just!!!
It turned out he has some deep shit issues, that he somehow doesn’t wanna clear out of his life. I mean. He is highly intelligent. But using ,think, this bizarre needs to share them as provoking..but mainly I believe, himself. Just a fact that he jumps from one identity as a strong man to other as a hurt boy made me feel that.
Was thinking how boring..so many people live their lives based on idea of who they are, and than they need to work on it so much!!! Its not interesting its to obvious!!!! Get a grip!!!

After talking for some time we reached family matters and could see his pain and in that moment a trigger that turned him into not so pleasant CUTE MAN.hum..we all have our traumas, but should we stay for their sakes prisoners of them!??!Hard working robots to please this invented by hurt identity, something not ours?? Of choices that were made by us or other such a long time ago!?!?

To bad..good looking guy in Mexico is hard to find..one is lost..shit, is what I think about!!!
And good luck!

Market in the morning

2010-07-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

“Girl? Where did u lost ur shoes?”, as on going guilt was asking. Mother and father, teachers, lovers..all that once was adored and admired fall in the voice of guilt.

Chaska left for market to buy some meat and pick up the left overs for her 2 found dogs. She got overwhelmed by the progress her little action is producing. Something she thought is just one more maltreated dog by the street in possession of someone that is doing it, became a real matter of life and death. But how she couldn’t see that before?

So much fake and stupid priorities she made in her life. Like going to another party and than feeling dead of reality for at least 3 days. “What is driving me to look for times of getting always of myself?”

She than spends hours on remind her who she is. Its never clear line between the life u are and the life u live. She knows that, but its easy to forget when most of people are living corpses…It’s a sad fact, but take the mirror in your face, see the eyes and chicks when u ask , “Why is this life so important to me…What are things that I do that are so important?”, after a definition she went, “What I really wanna do? What excites me? What makes me happy??”…and sad face followed when, “ What is so important in my important life that im not living what is really important to me and than by all means to all of us!?!? “ life and death, something like that got twisted in a normal thing for a humanity…beings are dyeing in front of our everyday walks to the store and when someone helps they are surpised with “UAAAU!” … and weird looks r glue on u.

Important to someone is what is important to majority. Living the customs of all..being popular and chick…being..?

”FOCK ME, FoCK IMPORTANT IDEA OF me!!” She shouted and put her clothes of in front of the market..people became afraid. Some turned their faces of disgust away, unloved men lick their lips with hunger, grand mother took of her sweater and tried to embrace her with it..protected love..all where protecting something..non could just except the difference and let it be…

“It is only a pain in your memory!!” She than continue in her coming calm voice.

“ Pain when u knew they are not fair to u. Only a child that wants to touch, observe, put on a favorite clothes..but ur idea dint match to theirs combinations and they took choice away, took away ur own point of view..i just wanna feel my choice. It’s never about hurting u. Dont posses that power, but I do have the power to free my self and I have to try. Can u understand in that little corner of ur mind, where u know life is so much more that what we try to maintain for sooooo long…generation to generation..living confused dreams of so long lost past. People died for ideas of others, failing them, ‘couse they were never part from them. But this is a part of me. Its my dream to set free of what they keep persuading me its wrong, but I never sow it as wrong..Dont want to feel wrong about myself!!Of u!! I wanna see u as trying ur own choices as well!! “

She put her clothes on and continue a way to the market. Seat down and ordered granola and yogurt and went analyzing into what just happened, what are the results. Shame came on her face and colored it. Chaska was happy. As she didn’t run, but listen to her need, she somehow gain power of being untouchable. People’s whisper about her spreaded fast, but her head was high up and people after soon though it’s a story of gossip with no real ground and they continue seeing her as Chaska with clothes on. A normal girl that goes to market to pick up meat for her 2 rescue dogs, that nobody seen but they decide to believe her story…hahaha…she was surprise, how people choose what to believe and what not.

She was never the same and she is becoming she of her own free she. Step by step. J

Soft fly

2010-07-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

Really..

Fire. Burned skin. Flesh in smell. Dinner. Way out to way in. Peace. Go.
Remember?! Taking clothes, discipline them. Joy comes from horrible actions. Thinking of God. Making suffer and gaining respect. Road to famous. Lucky moment to realize is left a side. No mourning.
Trilling walk. Woods is dark. No fear. Why not continue!?

Play the song. One knows which. One doesn’t need words. Timing comes naturally right. Hope into future. Sitting close. Air. Must be love.
Fire. Burned skin. Flesh is touched. Breakfast. Way in is way out. Happiness. Stay.
Fell it!? Leaving clothes. No actions. Thinking of u. Let it go and loosing nothing. Stopped in present.
Free in flow. Soft fly. So much light. Brave. Why not continue?

Oaxaca.

2010-06-28T08:38:00.000-07:00

The rest is history. Better like that. Since I miss friends from Brazil more I imagined. Beach, sea, hotness, misty air. Acai, beautiness of people, dancing nights, drums..

But the other side is here with me. As always Mexico convert me into more sweet Nina..softer, lighter, in calm and knowledgment that is on tips of fingers. Just an action away.

Meeting great people is putting u deeper into the living society.

Im talking classes of guitar. Took before in a small school. The noise, the mixture of students that have no idea and students that are pushing violins bow, guitars gets peach with them, knowing what they are doing..the other room of practice was separated by open door and open top wall. Nothing was to make silence in there. To much noise and to little or better no interest of teacher towards his students..a waning place. didn’t like and I left as passiveness is encountering many people of not being a good friend with it!!! Believe it doesn’t even have a sex definition. Way to passive for it!!!

Hehehe.

“Julio is a great guitarist player, teacher, composer..here is his number!”, Guillermo is a sweetest man I have found. In life!! Just being round him makes u happy and content. U just know that all is the way it should be. He is actually Willy!!! Grayed hair architect, with a characteristic nose and warm eyes, great Jaime’s friend. Just yesterday when he had a whole weekend visits and bumping in each other is a common thing, jajaja, we ended up sharing the whole, Mexico lost in football, day.

It turned out all more than that!

Went to a big market an hour away, after Jaime drove me to see dogs that I found last Friday leaving a swimming pool, that was aloud to enjoy alone in after opening hours, big Olympic pool, back in waters arms, happy ,happy. And as I was leaving caught a horrible and unforgiving situation that a dog was in. He has a collar that is starting to opening his neck. It’s a middle aged Doberman. On a half meter chain. Not even able to stand proper. No food for long weeks left him laying as a pile of bones. Dry pot, no water , no shade, under hot Oaxacan sun...and a white young, like year and a half, friendly dog that has just began the same destiny a meter away.

Went to buy food in a next open kitchen tent by the road..rice and left over’s of meat made a perfect snack, water. They don’t chew, they were just swallowing as big as they could bite in the food. It can tear ur heart apart!

Next day.

I found nice butchers that gave me a lot of meet, cooked it with cuscus and went to feed them, with water. Today im stepping on that property as a blond stupid girl with a lot of pain in her self always finding comfort with dogs..hope a change can be made with the owner. “Please, universe. Step on a good side with me! Lets awake goodness in this man! Please! What do u say?”

The rest of the day putt me to look for balance. Thinking having a perfect day, after realizing it a situation like that turned out. And the minute I wanted to shout out of me “WhY, THE FUCK WE CREATED THIS SUFFERING!? Why choosing pain and stupidity at all times..WHY??!?!?”

It came clear. Its to balance. If one day we decide not to enjoy anymore, the pain will automatically disappear, to! As minute when someone is happy there is one, at the same time, very sad. And between them various people being caught in the middle of the process. So if u would put them together u would find all stages from happy to sad that we go through on their faces. Emotional exposition, this could be. Lets make theater of us! For all of us to see. How true that is.

Understand of life better is making me surrender to life in a much grater scale. Im not afraid as I use to be. I accept fear and sadness and understanding above it. So it comforts me at the same time. Even it’s really letting go. Working in not accepting other’s misery , pain happiness, excitement as my own.

Big luggage gets of ur chest.

Be brave and clean ur self from things that don’t serve to anybody. Than act out of wisdom!

We left for ruins after breakfast in a market place and after game. Mitla, they close it in front of our faces..in good will we left for another’s..Yagul! inspirational view. Some nice photos, than off to dinner time in a fairy caste house of Guilermo on the hill. Uaaau…young chef was there and prepare a “Risotto” as Sicilian gene is running strongly in his vein. Vine and great conversations…night tock us into the sl

eeping point. Was time to say goodbye from beautiful people.

And hallo, today!!!

Mexico

2010-06-14T22:54:00.000-07:00

“In the worst case I will just go home, or Cusco, or Salvador..” usuall response as echo when a tremble salutes a new life in a different country or a city. This time is not opening a new book or just writing a new page. It is an old book with a new chapter. So that means it has a continuing process in it. With some well familiar characters and more the main character is back and it has all this old memories, but many new experiences.

What come to a writer’s first mind is a a question of what is the point of this chapter what is different, there must be a growing part?? some kind of new perspective on all this life situations??

Before writing must say it feels as a circle being whole. If i ever pointed the beginning of something than for shore this feels as end. Or conclusion, or answer..many more turns out to be, but definitely the opposite of a time when a story of Mexico began.

Mexico 2

Didn’t sleep much. Saying goodbye to friends and land of Salvador was more tiring for me as I ever wanted to confess. The mission to learn and to know the life beyond emotional detachments let me down and was sad. But as good works in a competition with bad, was also happy. After all I was heading back to a place where I was a princess. Family loved me and I love them. More. As a princess I could see places and was excepted in all best things that one could imagine.

Waiting the night to pass and plane to the chosen destination is ready was fast in expectation and long in all that was putted in perspective that night. It was mainly ex boyfriend and life I could not achieve.

I understand now after a year why situation was the way it was. How I could be turned into directions allowing my self to breath the wrong decisions just because I wanted to try one thing..

Some how I manage to erase him few minutes after I left the land of dreams.

All that happened to us, decisions we made made sense, so was happy it turned out the way it did and so did the ending that is still converting into something, but that should be explained in its time of the story.

Knowing that eyes will again stared into chocolate fire put me to a mind test. Was imagining everything. Had no real contact with him or with him just in my mind and did not bring him into my past year livings. I decided that he is free of me and all that was left was a love that is much greater that a body could understand , a memory of someone that is special, will always be, just timing of our clocks was beating different and priorities where not running the same round.

When plane left us into light gravity space, beyond clouds, weight of mind stayed there in Brazil. Breathing was smooth. And even if didn’t really know what happened it worked.

Mexico, Taxi. Im here. Open the door in a sweet caste apartment on Nuevo Leon and Marina opened the door.

She share something very Mexican with me. Again it’s a chapter if this would really be a book.

She hold me as if she new me and I hold here sincerely back. Still alerted I don’t know her.

It all faded away. Marta was still in the shower when shouting og her name began. She embrace me and made me feel home. Covering me with water that was still crying down of to early taken away pleasure of showering.

Connection was made with him and so did the hug. We are in peace and feelings are loving and friendly. Content with where I am I surrendered and put my self in a seat of this Mexican train with no belt but a huge trust. Im always ok.

Thank u Me!!

Opposite of being steady-im a rolling rock!!!!

2010-05-29T20:32:00.000-07:00

"Where do we stand??"

2010-05-20T19:08:00.000-07:00

U look at ur feet first than judge, but please, dont expect im gonna really listen!
“Its like this ,man. I have to live my life. And just after trying for a long time of fitting and failing into something that is called a normal life I realize im just loosing the time and more, the mind. I don’t think im so normal in that sense. Even thou, I really think ur the one who is crazy, but its ok. The matter is that we are the opposite sides of the same circle. “

“Let me finish.”

“I did go to the park and walk the wood trail. But at the and the water was dry and there where no water fall, baby!!!U still wanna be my baby!? After I throw bad apples in u, ur favorit fruit??!!”

I don’t wanna be close to u no more. That is the fact. I see u not good enough for what I have in my mind. Than there is another side of the coin that we hold together. When u stand close to me and I can smell u and u touch me..yeah, why u always touch me when we brake up?!?! U know..u know I don’t want to resist. Life is short and I don’t see appoint of pushing u away with a lie that I don’t wanna see ya. It was a clear moment. Straight point from the eyes u said: “U don’t wanna see me no more?!” I brought silence on my tongue. U repeat the question..i kept going with some slips of smile..i can never get serious, don’t take it personally, ok?!.
I stopped. Went back in ur eyes and told u the truth. “I cant say I don’t wanna see ya. I do wanna see ya, couse we had something that makes my skin sharp as a sharks skin but I also don’t ever wanna see ya, couse u make me sad. We keep saying one thing than doing another. I cant!!...
Our relationship is based on what flesh is saying and there for possessions and wanna be full of ideas is very much a live.”

“Know that I turn away from this tipo of relationship and if I wouldn’t be going away I would protect my self from u!!..but u keep coming back and I seeing u back in our boat tonight, seeing the sun set behind u on the beach, than see u swim and being alone as u always where before I just didnt resist no more. I called u. U came.”

U pull me close and kiss me so finally I shout up!!
Latter u said ur coming to my flat to say hallo to a friend. I said ok. But I never went home.

Stay kissing me, but please go away!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ups----------------

That was the story written on a wall next to the beach I usually go for a swim. Today I went with Sara. A very good friend of mine I shall miss since I will see her again. She is under my skin.
Than while I was explaining her what I read I forgot of my present and convinced I know what im doing I pull her on a wrong bus not ever realizing its wrong. She came to senses. We fall in laughter and never went to dance but stay in the hostel , took a very long shower and I told her I really love her. After we feed the skeleton dog that found us in the near by park and he got this idea that we could become his family. We love him, named him Dumbi, but we are all going away. Let us hope for best. Since he is un undercover best looking and friendly dog ever. Barking for few hours and experiencing a true revolution of being alive.
Oh, yes, he is still alive and Loco the big black Labrador is swinging with his tail telling him, “ur such a big dog, man!!! U bark like it took me years, but look at u learned it in mater of hours! few shoots of good food and ur singing the bark away, I m proud I meet u , Dumbi!!” u see, Loco is a very wise old soul and don’t need the pressure in him to express him self to much and make noise for attention. He is very Budha.

Good night. Mijav 

Boat isla

2010-05-03T07:55:00.000-07:00

Lets walk further into the woods.. the trees are not dancing to much this days..not enough wind..

Makes u feel stuck. Than listening to stories of people not being able to pull it through gets to be heard a bit more and there it is!!!.. a bit more in stuck, too..

It helps, moving feet. So some movement is on.

Sun is strange, so strong today, ”i better hurry to the beach!!!”
He was there..i could recognize him from a mile. If he don’t get spotted in a minute he is not there.

The body he carry is a delicious fruit. Strong and shaped. Every curve starts new story, marks of fights, once opened skin that got healed..
Imagination!!
Plane head,please, so all this would stay unrevealed to me...the journeys behind what is seen.

Face, a behind bush child,observing spirit, trusty eyes but having the secret pockets in the mind, that unpredictable smell that he drops behind the walk...

Shit!!! Cant believe it has such influence on me. But since he doesn’t speak that much I need to keep myself occupied. Filling my self with “yes, I really like him!”
But knowing something else…

Had a long thinking process. Trying to talk with the heart and complex mind. The agreement came. “Lets give him a chance.”
I found my self sitting in a rag of being a bitch to him.:(.

I jumped to the by the beach street and hurry to drugstore for some first aid help after kissing him and looking deeply in his eyes just to make shore that past 2 days of bad feeling is purely my imagination..didnt find much.

((read:he has its parts to...yaya...but this is about personal guilt that i always can prevent)(where is that i?!?!))

Was cold and took him for granted. Didn’t care about his private world. Truth, I didnt want anybody and was trying to push him away.

Beach..
Kisses and agreement we meet in the boat after he finish his swimming exercises.
There I was taking the sun on a boat that do magicaly become Islands of peace so close to the loud city, blabla and beer, smell of burned cheese and selling voice: “Ricolete..”

Island of happiness..he was swimming towards me.
Funny he strikes me the most as the romantic gentleman from english streets with a bit cold character but very warm gestures..He must be lost coming from out of space or out of time.

Hidden beat can be taken from him, secretly, letting me know he is at all time on top of situations. His silence is his strongest possession. It creates the picture inside of the frames.

Like a pen i wanna write with..but he is just not using ink that would be leaving marks behind for me to see what is written, u know..when u forget...so of what use is than this pen!?!?
To me...jajaja.
A twist to this emotional fueled logic machine.
Why would anything be written anyway..Its a memory trap. Its so easy to manipulate when one depends on a limited memory..maybe i need to step out and try a life based only on a memory and no security protection behind, just to expand it!?

The question is do i really want that with him, now!?

He came on a boat, kissed and step into silence. “Fock,” I hate this because I know it will happen. Why he doesn’t say anything..its been weird for last 2 days..he wasn’t there????what !?!?”
I let the silence flow, making my eyes catching the beauty in front. I calm down. He is tired. To much non sleeping hours for him and too much thinking of me about it.

Back in the saddle of the waves..turning into dolphins made all the difference. “Oh, my GOD!!! How can I ever live away from the ocean!??!”
One dive, non breathing time that doesn’t need air..makes me wanna try if I can stay there for a longer time..i push and push limits but its always fear that puts my head on the surface.
Yet, I did improve and could swim for a a long time under, than take just a short breath and continue. Repeating that for like 20 minutes..i do twists and turns, changing the swimming technique, in a try to move like dolphin..arrrrrr.
Since I improve my balancing so the water don’t enter my nose or ears anymore im much braver and behave in ocean like its my natural environment…spending hours in.

Feeling the sun while taking the death man float when spotted giantess clouds coming from behind of the city on us…people started to pack. We were still in the water. I looked at him he smiled, came closer and we started to be weightless under, on top of the water. So much fun..ajssss…swimming close, making curves round the bodies, going under the shade of it and back on top. Roll between warm hands, going back deep and kissing the knee…mmmmm…
Rain drops started their sound symphony, as ballerinas performing tragedy. The surface was another face of the ocean now. Colors had gone into gray oily liquid, not a single millimeter of glazed sea. All was a birthing place. With millions of new young borne, popping out of the sky womb and fell into ocean..one by one, but to many, endless counting could take place.

He started smiling even more, not many of us were still in the water. Big waves started to come. By this time half of the gray hard cloud heaviness was upon us in front sun still having its time of the day. A clear line between to opposite sides, yet being there together, rain, sun, clouds and clear sky…was freaking out with admiration was lunching new rhythm drum from the heart.
What happened was that minutes before sun needed to give all the sky to wild rainy clouds he painted them into a fluorescent indigo blue color with some rays of him still managing to escape.
What a spectacular view.
I looked at him and said to myself, will give u a chance. Knowing it really has nothing to do with my future.
But do I live for future or do I live for now. For what it has been given to me!?

Cuting off ff f..

2010-04-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

"What a life" she screamed. Turned of the light and back to sleep she was.

Ridding a horse is her favorite thing.. ”its a thing i have for it”, sometimes explanations comes from her mouth, so u don’t even notice that she in a brag.
She is a very funny lady in a non lady way..or better lets play with this and put her lady stand on a something under that is not so very ladiesh..

Stories she sell for money. She is very rich and very laid back..yet, not always and just on the surface..she slips sometimes. That is when the juicy stories begins but get in companied with reasonable doubt. Butterflymosquito..hahaha..she would love this explanation!!!

U see her life before was more a constant rope of flashes that got pulled in and out from her head by her own hands. Now she is stable in that sense and prefer to put her hands on more solid stuff. “Like a man!?”,again it would be pulled from her pockets of self ironic remarks.

She is holding her pen as she is holding her new man once layed in bed or a swinging hammock.. She is in ..discovering a brand new way. And that way gave her a breath of freedom that very time when she does everything best as she can goes floating in her body. She follows it with all possible senses..trilling unexplainable ride..she gets selfish in that and goes on journey, very private one.
Did u know she got a man now? He is very handsome. A jujitsu master..(since time of knowing him is not in her favor she hopes also he doesn’t turn out as a master of some kind a disaster) Sense of humor is her river. Bathing there keeps her going and life like that becomes softer and lighter…dust from to crowded sand streets get washed away, it’s a going back to the nature walk and its very much like a purism in a most religious way. But when her words share wisdom it gets splashed on shores of ears through personal experiences. As if one would live only try and than move on.

Sex was pushed away for a long time. Putting on weight became a low. Old description after braking up with a guy that was there in an altar of forever. Still she manage somehow to fell happiness over it. In bikini she would walk proud..a very muscle structure is moving underneath, just covered with fatty pleasures that satisfied her sexual and emotional need. But realizing it all made things that are suppose to grow to continue with no stopping.

……………………………………………………………..WHAT!?!?!?..................................................................................

…a part is taken out and the ending is not reveled since it’s a part of a mystery and life…things are not meant to begin or end..but simply are here to exist.

If followed by wisdom a poet would no find reason to explain it, mathematician would fight for a while and than found equation, since it exist, philosopher would become a boring preacher..but me..i just don’t care right now, that is why posting is a freedom. This days life is not complicated anymore, many times. This is one of those times..

Bited nails

2010-03-28T18:46:00.000-07:00

Cant believe its been 10 days since my last postings…putt myself in a timetrap, baby..:)

Its been crazy since I started to work in a Guest house. I needed a job for more than one good reason. Yet more reasons why I keep forgetting to come home came. Life is tricky and once u have a thought caught on all is settled u start losing some of the leashes letting space u invade expand . That is really a juicy part of it. And yes there is a lot of beer juice or agave juice or vine juice( no , this one is a lie), fruit juice and cachasa juice..

A dangerous country is really, this Brazil as whole world likes to let u know. I’m hearing directions set as a rule in ears of travelers by a reception counter what is safe and where something for shore can happened. Must let u know I don’t agree. I’ve walked places with camera in the palm, im blond and flirty and bad situation in all this time avoid my way. Being lucky?! Coud be putted that way, but I think it can be said that the thoughts are not calling shity memories. And even if they do happened ( things that some would call bad, dangerous) mind turn them into a good stuff, something new that has been discovered. Its sense of humor too that is needed. Helps..all tools together will make u wise.

Larissa came last week after being in disappearance for a week with a very skiny guy, that instead of dreads made his head bigger with other kind of knotting but have no idea what would be the name of it..(Slovenian-kitke)

Dido is still my more put on “decoration”, jajajaja…my favorite one. He is growing in his relationship and just reached the agreement with his man to live an open relationship.. he came out straight after a while of thinking what would be the right thing to do. He knows what he wants(the whole world as he likes to jokes) and he is not a typo of the guy that will lie or hold something back if he knows better.

Im thinking while eating all this new concept..well, old concept new the in how alive is now, being put in action..experiencing them from such closeness I get infected.. heart is listening and mourning in a happy way about fading aspect that he was use to follow before. Mind creation set aspects in the manual of how this body should function.

Fuck, love, hate and drag that demonist love butterfly in the air. Let is shine while it stuff his light in ur back side. U know that a word doesn’t make it alive, right!? So why stress if I fuck and why love if I get gentle and sweet.

Watch the actions, go deaf sometimes. Its good!

Im getting to know the life of travelers from another point of u. The fears get expressed, think conversation are more intimate that with best friends u know for ever. It’s a travelling spirit that gets loud with trust and knowledge good people are usually the ones u meet, when exploring around.

All stories they have, things they do or better how strong and change they turned.

Loco is my best friend there. He is a black Labrador, hairy that does get smelly soon in the heat of Salvador. I need to wash him this week. On my free we’re aff to be lost on streets of Pelurinho. We have cold water for him and white plastic pot. He makes me pretend I don’t know him sometimes when piing on a painting that an artist put on the street, happens. I mean u have to respect his freedom in this full of people place, he was broth here to live among us and his way of understanding art is different. So I suppose he didn’t really like it( I didn’t either) and he tried to was the bad idea of the canvas and make it ready for some better moments to be expressed there. Dogs are practical..

He is on a invisible leash. It’s love that grow between us and that he doesn’t move away from it, or better that he likes to follow it. Last Friday we did it again. Stopped in one of the bars, making shore sun is not hitting his black fur. Water was dripping out of his mouth, he shake the head 4 times and sprinkle it round peoples exposed skin(and that should be fine, since they are all wet of a sweat anyway). Me and beer made friendship that day and words where listed in a book, thank god, finally after a while of not being there for them. L

Tuesday is the craziest time of the week in old center. Everybody on the street, all bars open, even better, street bars get created on the spot, beer Skol is R$2, cashasa with my new favorit flavor-ginger is R$2 one shoot or R$8 garafa..last one is parked in the bag making shore the continent of liquid is disappearing not to slow.

Geronimo is big person in size and a great and famous singer here. He has his all year round stage down steers on a beautiful front church corridor , every Tuesday.

U gonna see us there. Rain want stop us, just push us into Sancofa earlier. I hate R$10 that needs to be payed at all times( except if Inbal-boss is with us, but even him(a very interesting being) is leaving in few hours back to Bogota). Club is great..cool and professional music, good atmosphere with nice people and inTheMood dancers. Smoking area is on the roof terrace with a Pelurinho view.

Simon is gona be the commander of Nega Maluca from Monday on. He is a sweet French speaking Canadian, that is doing something out of his life in a different way. Sara, Italian blood, from Trieste is a party partner. We do salsa and like to talk about guys that dance with us: “Lets go and find where they work. Simon recognized one and they are close to Nega…”, we still didn’t go. They all bite their nails. More than me..

Tomorrow..:)

"..the worst place."

2010-03-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

“Yeah, I need to write”..it comes to me as if I don’t have any more time..and I can just laugh with silliness im putting in words..””NO TIME!??!!?” Than counting of pass moment begins.
Larissa is on a curse. Its some kind of preparation to go back to school..she must be feeling so proud after a while of being a free everything she could be, to start building in system future..money can be good, jajaja.
Ridding a wild bike with a long hair dread looking muscle guy, praying behind the secret stone to Good. i mean u name it she will give u a story. She is rich there. Loving continue with Ana Paula that came today to the gym in green and black clothes. Shiny earrings’ where waving with a music rhythm while doing pilates. Instructor Bruno came by latter with Dan in o ur house. We drank 2 bottles of vine which sounds delicious, yet I must tell u the secret that we drank something more similar to grape juice with alco..its an experience.
Dido is working and painting, actually spraying the white fabric and making me desire his work even more.
We get lazy and un organize when it comes to do things for ones are close. And that is mainly our fault because we always say when, “u have time, don’t hurry!!!

Its still a mad world.

I started to work and my new profession is a receptor in a guest house in San Antonio, that is next to the Pelurinho and it’s a romantic part of the old city with charming and wonder world detailed buildings..that makes u happy by looking at them.
I pass the same street every morning with Loco, black as black hole in the space ,Labrador of 8 years..we’re a bit in love..so easy with some beings..jajaa
I must confess something.
My body is wild and looking for comforts of sweetness in sugar. Its lost sensations are awake as those street dogs in the evening when sun goes down and everybody thing air is colder. If they could only see its not!!!
Coming out on the street, dogs jumping on each other, guys whistling after girls, topless pain for the eyes.
Opening the beer bottles starts, music spreads all round, dancing, capoeira, smells of sweet parfumes is touching noses, walking is accompanied with sound of high heals that are rubbing their end in peeled stone surface..polished with years it looks full of stories..

U walk , u imagine the time before the time u know…black color being dress in all white, sombreros , perfect white teeth and hungry white skin that is weeping the wild body of servant, ‘couse its just to much passion floating through them..they are not use to it. Demands of destroying the black culture is on and unsatisfied European man is a small monster trying to eat the fruit of joy through pain of one that carries it inside of him..its all written in this road im taking again and again..

Flesh I want, let it be spread over me as butter.

Its gona melt it in seconds..im burned from inside..more because im keeping it inside, don’t let be expressed with action.

It looks as if im looking for one religious being that shares my believe..is it alive?!

Am I strong enough to finish what I started!?

I choose the worst place for it.

“Dido should we marry!? YES, than u can stay here in peace.” I asked his boyfriend Fabio and he is fine with it. So, why not..maybe it would be fun to do it!!!
Well its just the idea, like the idea of those wooden floor im having in the future in my love house..its just the idea.
Since im not shore where its coming from..imagination or vision. So will take time on this!! Let it comes too me…im here, ready to kick if necessary.
But what if somebody should kick me!?!? Hm..think it would be pleasant to..lets see.

Now, go to sleep stranger. Mwa.

Thinking of flowers

2010-03-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

“In every flower lays the begging.

I see u flower how u blossom from once being invisible to my world of experience. However now i‘ve been watching ur growth and death and coming back to life as a new flower my understand flourished with colors. Joy is written in small printed words behind my skin. As flesh they thorn u apart in times and bleeding of light takes place very openly. Im condemn to be u. To feel u becoming the life, the light never the last. Of becoming me.” . . .
“Little garden I sat in the future. A moment came when future revel to me. It was u flower that I could feel and be. It was from ur rises in chest that I cloud flew from into the universe and seat on a chear of wisdom and started to read the book in front of old treasures that have been on reach all the time..”

We finish the joint that sometimes serves as a key to go beyond existing and sometimes lays in the cradle of entertainment that we like so much. The past few days I was interrupted by informations. The secrets that I could find without looking. And I could not go past knowing the time, again, is here to remember the time before blindness.

Im watching people in front of me..Aline, that has a set smile face. The virtue that is accelerating her to speak words of greatness is something I was amazed. I did not expect any of this warmness that is soul grounded, here. I left myself go down on a leather of awareness and forgot we are all one and we all know everything.

As she continue, flashes where having its fun in my mind..heart was trembling and muscles were trying to bring back the body to rule my life. Nothing I could really do. I stood there with eyes focused on Alini and observe the situation. Beautiful butterfly I sow in her. She didn’t actually touch her lips while delivering her family tradition of respect that is served among them, on a tongue.

I felt sad my family wasn’t set like this. I became as a child in its first disappointment. As for the first time seeing a picture of heaven and realizing how my world is different from it. Imagine living in a little Ireland of nothing having one tv screen and one program that keeps showing u how great and happy life is somewhere else, sourounded with so many things and understanding and love. Than looking around, ur has not even 2 of those things..

At first , when centered on the outside, missing of something take place and if followed by patient heart one will soon get to the point of not seeing anything outside since there is just to much to see and its make u way to much tired trying to chase something that its not here , that is just a movie, just an explanation, just something that u cannot really touch.. One’s continuous searcher, a hungry force for knowledge, will turn all sensors on the inside into, why all this feelings, will found the whole world laying there. If love can be felt and fear melted with all illusions, the imagination can create all that u need for ur desires to be four filled. Nothing exist in us or outside of us, for no reason. And there for why make a selection when we could embrace all and live as complete. Couse only selections are the one that separates one from another putting focus on limits instead of using the same power that can never stop producing in us for something great and evolving as personal growth that can be only seen if one excepts all. Live through the comparisment and slowly find its own understanding of reality, how and why things are the way they are. Difference of something the we call good and bad, both serve the same goal. And both need to be experienced in order to be understood. If u shell trust other one’s word or feeling u shall start to built ur life on something that is taken from another environment, another perception and it might as well happens that in few years or many years after u shall realize u where never living ur life never knowing who u are, what u like, what is love and why u love a person next to u, why u have children now when ur so not complete and there is so much u want to experience, do... Than a hurt can grow and people , especially children, can be put on a side track and be influence of ur disappointment , sadness , depression, uncontrolled mind and more.

U see u can not travel and really see what is going on while u travel if u keep looking for what is missing in ur life, what more u need to do in the future, how to correct or cover something done in the past..i know it’s a circle of one being in the present knowing, everything from past put u in this position now, yet don’t try to make old things better but just take the knowledge of how things progressed, evolved before and use that with new things that are happening. Be brave in ur new challenges and take advantage of new reactions. Use different words, make a different face, put on a different stile of clothes, change what u do, explore.. Play. The world is a playground. And we all know it. Be a child so that u can be a better adult. Be a grandmother so u can participate in games with wisdom. And breath..that is all u really need to do. Know that u know, trust and wait for its time when knolidge its self will step out and do it response and breath. Just breath. Use imagination on breathing..begin where it begins..

With first breath we became human..not before or after. It is a breakthrough moment. If one doesn’t do it it dies. It’s a black and white dimension. Yet that is just for the body..its like we turn on a light, turn it on!!! ..as we breath the electricity needed for this body made to do experience, starts to flow. So ,that sounds to me as the right center to focus on with tools that are available to our consciences..

Imagine all that u could become if u would put all ur focus of thoughts with this best intension on it, on a breath..imagine the feelings of breathing only im a great singer all the time. There would be no time of going any were else In life but to become a great singer. U see mind it’s a frequency that is spreaded all through out the body and far around us. It’s another trigger that starts to call things in our life and its really a pattern , a plan of who we are becoming.

Part of innocence as being a child is more difficult now, because u see a child is perfect, yet being raised in a society that provides only one side of information and therefore it has created( the society) one side parents , it gets stuck for a while. It gets ”trapped” into this ideas from parents and his first reactions can be mainly reflections of them. Yet, we grow physically to gain a stronger body for a stronger mind. It all has a beautiful mirror in it. Its quite stupid to continue to live old chewed and taken ideas of others when u were meant to produce ur own..and u keep doing that, keep producing them, but they can be shut of because of those old frames, patterns.

There is a perfect part in u, an all mighty cell that can never get influence by any thought or anything but good, light, extreme power of keep growing seed..

Find it, live it!!

:) hehehehe..and share more kisses..think I wanna kiss somebody.. I DO!!!

!WAKE UP!!"

2010-03-05T16:42:00.000-08:00

“Nina, Nina!!” Dido’s voice woke me up. I remembered he is not here. He stayed over Fabian’s place. Than how can I hear his voice waking me up!? Few more minutes was trying to convince myself its dream in a try go back to sleep. Body was tired couse I put him to bed quite late..and shadows on the wall made from sun light entering the small window told me its still very early or cloudy. But I live in Salvador so sun is regular..u can trust him and tiredness together, it’s very early.

I couldn’t sleep, no more. With eyes barely opened went to brush my teeth and sew the mess in the upper bathroom. I knew its time to clean it. My boys like to shave their whole body's end let all lay t here.. sometimes humans get way to similar to animals. And here in Brazil u can see it everywhere. But more about that later. So dogs are waiting for their new fur to grow and so are the boys..:)

Internet was left there. I found a big surprise , again, how much more a breath when I don’t start a day with it.

Music was on, Maria Gadu, she turned out to be one of my favorite here. Todo diferenti was put on repet and cleaning the house began.

Dido’s voice that woke me up was settled for 7 am and it was a dream. It turned out I was alone in the house , even Jerra was absent . Cleaning was fun . was hopping for a visit. I got use to full house , people stopping by. Nobody came.

House was ready for life in a shiny way. Made the coffe and cooked papaya and lime jam put it on the warm bread and went to the terrace. Computer turned on and letters were in line in mind to be formed as sentences.

Dido’s voice again..and a smiling face followed. He came with a kiss, tenderness in his moves are always there. He is dedicated gay yet he almost makes me feel more of a loved woman than before in a passionate relationships my big loves. A adore him. In love I am and I love him more profound to..he is a delight. The limit is clear and my love can flow towards him freely, since the physical part is never mixed and emotions come from a heart, not desire. It’s a real love story! J

Thinking of Dan.I called him to go to the beach and he said no, Nina, I cant(hearing the weight lifts behind)!! I said goodbye with Ok, see ya latter.! Than connection with this conversation went to Ana Paula’s from his side and few seconds latter to Dido and back to me…funny circle..later Dan found me on a terrace and said:” lets go to the beach!! “ another surprise, why did he come, he said he can’t!? We left.

Me and Dan are weird. I see him half human and half alien. But he doesn’t know it. He forgot. Here in Brazil its hard for people to remember who they really are. Since they are very young children flow turns into a 100% physical level. Sex is a social communication and nothing more. Love inside of it is an unexcited idea that all heard about it but was never put in action. Disappointing place for a romantic dreamer that can not evolutes. Thank god im just half of that the other half is fast in adapting and accepting.

Who is Dan and why half alien!? Simple, he can not stay present here for to long. His fragile soul keeps taking him away. Body shouts down, heart beats on him minimum until he comes back. He cant control it. Not yet or not anymore. If he wont remember who he is he might be living in this two separated worlds forever. And that can be a long time.

He has a heart of a gold, mind of a soldier, body of a buffalo, shape of a model and energy of a liquid fire, that sleeps away. Very unusual combination. Very interesting for observer that feels much and knows much from experience. His extreme is a trip to learn more. Observer can feel fear, uncomfortable feelings from the whole palette, than honest love and tenderness, hand and hand with coldness and self centeredness. Protection or believe it’s a tiny line where one crosses one another.… But one word about Dan?! He is a good person.

She ask

2010-03-04T04:30:00.000-08:00

Soft light, tears go down…sadness the lady is visiting sometimes. Comfort in words always I find even if heart can’t read why all this squeezing round his part.
Oh, my lady, dear friend u became, I’m use to having u around..so much I don’t really feel attention leading towards what others are saying u r about.
I think ur just a woman, that once was a girl. Memory got stuck in u and u don’t know how to set it free..
So I love u for that, compassion, my bracelet I’m giving to u.. always u will know ur welcome, don’t worry..time made me big!!! ” ..

..wanted to sing in ur ears, but language was the barrier and I too got stuck in silence. Instead I put my arms round u and put u closer to me. “ I love u”, and its hard to see u sad.
Larisa had a situation in her family, was worrying and now she is gone. I know she is close, yet her smiling face is missing and her “EIAAAAAAAAAAAA” shout before she crossed the door line.

In a mean while things are happening. Undercover police is working in my brains trying to get all RoRow family in Slovenia…I belive it’s a good plan, but situation in SLO is bad as in the rest of the world and money doesn’t lay in the streets anymore..a matter of speech that is.

Ana Paula is a shining star. Her chocolate glazed skin is soft and tender, her face fractures are well done master piece. She is so beautiful I could stare in her forever…and that is a long time.
She will roll her top down, make some occasional wind that slips through the window door , coming to fresh her skin.
Beyonce , her dvd concert, was in full power. Ana Paula would shake like Beyonce, when cought in view she would smile like the ocean tide with her “diamantes” on her teeth..
I came home a bit late from fitness. Done weight lifting and pilates at the end..great felling when pain enters ur brain and u control it with breathing so that u feel how air penetrate through pressure “nuts” that happens when body starts to resist and wants to get away from work out.
Came home, food was ready. Energetic Dido cooked macaroons with salsa . Creamy look with some “Irelands” of meat and yellow corn spots..it was delicious.
Not even taking shower I ran up to meet girls. Aline( Ana Paula’s cousin) and Ana Paula were there..talking(cachacacha(have no idea how to write it)small talk) got turn into serious question..Ana Paula whispered, while patting my knee:” Nina people wonder why ur here, leaving all behind, ur family, friends, singing..!? And u wanna stay here. Why!?” .
Sometimes I forget not the whole world already knows. I pore my self a bit more courage of thinking I speak portouges and went into explanation…” I had troubles with my voice. They became big enough for me to stop. And after a while I remembered I always wanted to travel.. Went to inquirery for the tickets when a surprise info was putt as a challenge on a table and I took it and left for USA the very next morning…huge surprise for me , family , friends…remember I went to see the travel agency for tickets for Asia and after an hour lady said, but tomorrow morning there is a very cheap ticket for San Francisco. I had my best friend living there…Urša!!!”(That time wasn’t still shore if life is a coincidence or a well prepared path)(yes, now I do )
”..driving back home, having one hour to make a decision and pay for the ticket I called another best friend Adela telling her we should meet since im leaving tomorrow for 3 month..she laughs..than said WHAT!??!? It’s a joke right!??! I said…mmm.. NOP…I think I will really go!! “Alone???” she countinuoe..( I didn’t even thought of that) just said:” YES, im going alone!”
Big click in my head and excitement . This was big for me and it change my life..for better, of course. Than 3 months turned into 3 years”, ( at that moment I realize im always living what I do…it was never really a vacation..it was a mission all a long)..
What a different point of view was back than. The end turned into a new beginning of something so new and beautiful..would never imagine that im going to seat here one day, talking with her and Aline in a land that was always to far country to even think of going...

First one pulled out of the middle.

2010-03-02T07:58:00.000-08:00

“Oh, my GOD!!! They are kissing..can see a tongue gliding on lips of another man..can see the hand slipping from a back climbing on behind mountain of intimacy…!!” Im hot…not use to those things...

A public place. Sea is around us, children are playing, Larissa more under the water than breathing as a normal human being..”She doesn’t need air!?!?” was jealously following her how she kept disappearing under the surface than again twinkled with her long eyelashes round coffe eyes, from another place.. A poem sing in a high bird’s tone..

THE RAIN MIGHT FALL DOWN. FISHES MAY JUMP UP AND

TOUCH THAT BLUE VELVET SPY.

HE KEEP LETTING US KNOW WE ARE NEVER ALONE.

ONCE U SANK U SHELL FIND

WHAT U COULDN’T SEE ABOVE WHILE FLY.

DEEP IN WATER’s LAYS THE SECRET

DEEP IN SKY THE ANSWER IS FOUND.

WHY WE ALL ARE AND WHY WE WILL NEVER STOP.

I could see her. My beautiful new friend. “A bird that knows a fish’s breathing, a red paint that has colored ur imaginary wall, a woman in her that speaks out a man’s thought, a dream that was walking, talking so much u could hear the silence..” that is Larisa. Born to be famous, to charm the race than die and make a legend.

That same woman is a dolphin not putting even one look towards two man having sex in the water of purification..In the wide atlantic ocean.

I’m staring, not getting distracted by potentially being seen. Don’t care. I took advantage of freedom in a public place. Emotional fear mixed with desire is on the peak.

In the most confused situations life gets to feel deeper than usually.

A sexual rain was invisibly falling and melting of the skin. Unsuspected shock was turning adrenalin into desire.. That was a visible change for a European girl choosing to get stuck in a big city of Brazil-Salvador. The meant was far from thoughts about being touched being wet with passion or have the on and on taste behind my mouth ..a taste was fresh still without a name.

Brazil introduce it’s self to me. Im cought in it’s way.

A true story

2010-02-25T13:42:00.000-08:00

Somebody once said there is no truth in any of the sentences we use to set free our thoughts..he than countinuoe that truth dosn't need word or explanation, 'couse truth is actually a specific flow that floats throu everything that exist and it can not be separated one small part from it...it is all or nothing!
Than a young boy asked : " But how do i than live my master in a house of my mother not speaking to her when she ask me a question...i know the truth, im a part of it, yet when she will ask me why i came late i must say something..describe her what happened and make her feel better..No?"
Silence wasn't long in the air. Master look straight in his eyes and gently started to put some more words out of his mouth, may they find ears of hungry spirits: " My dear son..we are talking right now. Using the same words we have been putting as a main subject. Yet u dont even for a second doubt in my words..i see ur eyes and fire to learn is touching me. But really im not ur teacher..the teacher, the great teacher in this world are words, that are like spider nests all over the Mother Earth..like a soft net that is filtering everything from above to ever touch the soil or everything from soil ever touch the wide universe above..u see!?!? Cant u hear what words are drowing in ur head right now?! It is the power of words that humans are living the way they do.." And the speach keppt going into the night and it shell follow when wisdom is found..

..in a meanwhile lets live the world of words and let us pretend there is a net like a master said and let us think at all times while we read this words that this net is a voice that is creating the sound to those words..without it there is no sound at all in this planet..and of course that also means that it just might be true, limits that sound brings are gone as well.

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Dear reader.
Let me say:I LOVE U AND RESPECT U.
I WENT LIVING THE WORLD I ONCE WATCHED ON TV, ONCE READ A BOOK A BOUT IT. I WENT ON A MISSION THAT DOESN'T LOOK WILL HAVE AN END. SCRATCHES FROM THIS LIVING WALL ARE GONNA BE PUT ON THIS BLOG. TO IMAGINE A TRUE STORY OF SOMEONE THAT MANY TIMES WANDER IS SHE REALLY ALIVE..
THE DRAMA, THE TENDER ROMANTIC WINDS OF LOVE, THE HORROR, THE IMAGIONARY WANT OF NEED..ALL IS HERE AND ALL MORE AND LESS.

:)

THE BODY WILL BE SHARED IN PICTURES...IT'S ALL READY HERE IN FRONT OF U AND IN U. NOTHING NEW CAN BE SAID OR DONE.. BUT ALL CAN BE REFRESHED IN A NEW FORM EMBRACED WITH A NEW POINT OF VIEW OR JUST A DIFERENTE FRAME OF THOUGHT ..YET WITHOUT AN ACTION NOTHING HERE EXIST..
S O LET GO AND EXIST IN A TRUE STORY OF ALL THAT WILL BE PART.

Thank u.