Oaxaca.

The rest is history. Better like that. Since I miss friends from Brazil more I imagined. Beach, sea, hotness, misty air. Acai, beautiness of people, dancing nights, drums..

But the other side is here with me. As always Mexico convert me into more sweet Nina..softer, lighter, in calm and knowledgment that is on tips of fingers. Just an action away.

Meeting great people is putting u deeper into the living society.

Im talking classes of guitar. Took before in a small school. The noise, the mixture of students that have no idea and students that are pushing violins bow, guitars gets peach with them, knowing what they are doing..the other room of practice was separated by open door and open top wall. Nothing was to make silence in there. To much noise and to little or better no interest of teacher towards his students..a waning place. didn’t like and I left as passiveness is encountering many people of not being a good friend with it!!! Believe it doesn’t even have a sex definition. Way to passive for it!!!

Hehehe.

“Julio is a great guitarist player, teacher, composer..here is his number!”, Guillermo is a sweetest man I have found. In life!! Just being round him makes u happy and content. U just know that all is the way it should be. He is actually Willy!!! Grayed hair architect, with a characteristic nose and warm eyes, great Jaime’s friend. Just yesterday when he had a whole weekend visits and bumping in each other is a common thing, jajaja, we ended up sharing the whole, Mexico lost in football, day.

It turned out all more than that!

Went to a big market an hour away, after Jaime drove me to see dogs that I found last Friday leaving a swimming pool, that was aloud to enjoy alone in after opening hours, big Olympic pool, back in waters arms, happy ,happy. And as I was leaving caught a horrible and unforgiving situation that a dog was in. He has a collar that is starting to opening his neck. It’s a middle aged Doberman. On a half meter chain. Not even able to stand proper. No food for long weeks left him laying as a pile of bones. Dry pot, no water , no shade, under hot Oaxacan sun...and a white young, like year and a half, friendly dog that has just began the same destiny a meter away.

Went to buy food in a next open kitchen tent by the road..rice and left over’s of meat made a perfect snack, water. They don’t chew, they were just swallowing as big as they could bite in the food. It can tear ur heart apart!

Next day.

I found nice butchers that gave me a lot of meet, cooked it with cuscus and went to feed them, with water. Today im stepping on that property as a blond stupid girl with a lot of pain in her self always finding comfort with dogs..hope a change can be made with the owner. “Please, universe. Step on a good side with me! Lets awake goodness in this man! Please! What do u say?”

The rest of the day putt me to look for balance. Thinking having a perfect day, after realizing it a situation like that turned out. And the minute I wanted to shout out of me “WhY, THE FUCK WE CREATED THIS SUFFERING!? Why choosing pain and stupidity at all times..WHY??!?!?”

It came clear. Its to balance. If one day we decide not to enjoy anymore, the pain will automatically disappear, to! As minute when someone is happy there is one, at the same time, very sad. And between them various people being caught in the middle of the process. So if u would put them together u would find all stages from happy to sad that we go through on their faces. Emotional exposition, this could be. Lets make theater of us! For all of us to see. How true that is.

Understand of life better is making me surrender to life in a much grater scale. Im not afraid as I use to be. I accept fear and sadness and understanding above it. So it comforts me at the same time. Even it’s really letting go. Working in not accepting other’s misery , pain happiness, excitement as my own.

Big luggage gets of ur chest.

Be brave and clean ur self from things that don’t serve to anybody. Than act out of wisdom!

We left for ruins after breakfast in a market place and after game. Mitla, they close it in front of our faces..in good will we left for another’s..Yagul! inspirational view. Some nice photos, than off to dinner time in a fairy caste house of Guilermo on the hill. Uaaau…young chef was there and prepare a “Risotto” as Sicilian gene is running strongly in his vein. Vine and great conversations…night tock us into the sl

eeping point. Was time to say goodbye from beautiful people.

And hallo, today!!!

Mexico

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“In the worst case I will just go home, or Cusco, or Salvador..” usuall response as echo when a tremble salutes a new life in a different country or a city. This time is not opening a new book or just writing a new page. It is an old book with a new chapter. So that means it has a continuing process in it. With some well familiar characters and more the main character is back and it has all this old memories, but many new experiences.

What come to a writer’s first thought is a a question of what is the point of this chapter what is different, there must be a growing part?? Some kind of new perspective on all this life situations??

Before writing must say it feels as a circle being whole. If i ever pointed the beginning of something than for shore this feels as an end. Or conclusion, or answer..many more turns out to be, but definitely the opposite of a time when a story of Mexico began.

Mexico 2

Didn’t sleep much. Saying goodbye to friends and land of Salvador was more tiring for me as I ever wanted to confess. The mission to learn and to know the life beyond emotional detachments let me down and was sad. But as good works in a competition with bad, was also happy. After all I was heading back to a place where I was a princess. Family loved me and I love them. More. As a princess I could see places and was excepted in all best things that one could imagine.

Waiting the night to pass and plane to the chosen destination iwas ready came fast in expectation and long in all that was putted in perspective that night. It was mainly ex boyfriend and life I could not achieve not even knowing it was considered as a achievement .

I understand now after a year why situation was the way it was. How I could be turned into directions allowing my self to breath the different decisions just because I wanted to try one thing..

..

Some how I manage to erase him few minutes after I left the land of dreams.

All that happened to us, decisions we made made sense, so was happy it turned out the way it did and so did the ending that is still converting into something, but that should be explained in its time of the story.

Knowing that eyes will again stared into chocolate fire put me to a mind test. Was imagining everything. Had no real contact with him or with him just in my mind and did not bring him into my past year livings. I decided that he is free of me and all that was left was a love that is much greater that a body could understand , a memory of someone that is special, will always be, just timing of our clocks was beating different and priorities where not running the same round.

When plane left us into light gravity space, beyond clouds, weight of mind stayed there in Brazil. Breathing was smooth. And even if i didn’t really know what happened it worked.

Mexico, Taxi. Im here. Open the door in a sweet castle apartment on Nuevo Leon and Marina opened the door.

She share something very Mexican with me. Again it’s a chapter if this would really be a book.

She hold me as if she new me and I hold her sincerely back. Still alerted I don’t know her.

It all faded away. Marta was still in the shower when shouting for her began. She embrace me and made me feel home. Covering me with water that was still crying down of to early taken away pleasure of showering.

latter.

Connection was made with him and so did the hug. We are in peace and feelings are loving and friendly. Content with where I am I surrendered and put my self in a seat of this Mexican train with no belt but a huge trust. Im always ok.

Thank u all with Me!!

Opposite of being steady-im a rolling rock!!!!

"Where do we stand??"

U look at ur feet first than judge, but please, dont expect im gonna really listen!
“Its like this ,man. I have to live my life. And just after trying for a long time of fitting and failing into something that is called a normal life I realize im just loosing the time and more, the mind. I don’t think im so normal in that sense. Even thou, I really think ur the one who is crazy, but its ok. The matter is that we are the opposite sides of the same circle. “

“Let me finish.”

“I did go to the park and walk the wood trail. But at the end the water was dry and there where no water fall, baby!!!U still wanna be my baby!? After I throw bad apples in u, ur favorit fruit??!!”

I don’t wanna be close to u no more. That is the fact. I see ur not good enough for what I have in my mind. Than there is another side of the coin that we hold together. When u stand close to me and I can smell u and u touch me..yeah, why u always touch me when we brake up?!?! U know..u know I don’t want to resist. Life is short and I don’t see a point of pushing u away with a lie that I don’t wanna see ya. It was a clear moment. Straight point, u said: “U don’t wanna see me no more?!” I brought silence on my tongue. U repeated the question...i kept going with some slips of smile...i can never get serious when it is serious , don’t take it personally, ok?!.
I stopped. Went back in ur eyes and told u the truth. “I cant say I don’t wanna see ya. I do wanna see ya, couse we had something that makes my skin sharp as a sharks skin but I also don’t ever wanna see ya, couse u make me sad. We keep saying one thing than doing another. I cant!!...
Our relationship is based on what flesh is saying and there for possessions and wanna be full of ideas is very much a live.”

“Know that I turn away from this type of relationships...but u kept coming back and I saw  it in ur eyes  back in our boat that night, saw the sun set behind u on the beach, than saw u swim and being alone as u always where before I and i just didnt resist no more. I called u. U came.”

U pulled me close and kissed me so finally I shouted up!!
Latter u said ur coming to my flat to say hallo to a friend. I said ok. But I never went home.

Stay kissing me, but please go away!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ups----------------

That was the story written on a wall next to the beach I usually go for a swim. Today I went with Sara. A very good friend of mine I shall miss. She is under my skin.
Than while I was explaining her what I read I forgot of my present and convinced I know what im doing I pull her on a wrong bus not ever realizing its wrong. She came to senses. We fall in laughter and never went to dance but stay in the hostel , took a very long shower and I told her I really love her. After we feed the skeleton dog that found us in the near by park and he got this idea that we could become his family. We love him, named him Dumbi, but we are all going away. Let us hope for best. Since he is un undercover best looking and friendly dog ever. Barking for few hours and experiencing a true revolution of being alive.
Oh, yes, he is still alive and Loco the big black Labrador is swinging with his tail telling him, “ur such a big dog, man!!! U bark like it took me years, but look at u learned it in mater of hours! few shoots of good food and ur singing the bark away, I m proud I meet u , Dumbi!!” u see, Loco is a very wise old soul and don’t need the pressure in him to express him self to much and make noise for attention. He is very Budha.

Good night. Mijav 

Boat isla

Lets walk further into the woods.. the trees are not dancing to much this days..not enough wind..

Makes u feel stuck. Than listening to stories of people not being able to pull it through gets to be heard a bit more and there it is!!!.. a bit more in stuck, too..

It helps, moving feet. So some movement is on.

Sun is strange, so strong today, ”i better hurry to the beach!!!”
He was there..i could recognize him from a mile. If he don’t get spotted in a minute he is not there.

The body he carry is a delicious fruit. Strong and shaped. Every curve starts new story, marks of fights, once opened skin that got healed..
Imagination!!
Plane head,please, so all this would stay unrevealed to me...the journeys behind what is seen.

Face, a behind bush child,observing spirit, trusty eyes but having the secret pockets in the mind, that unpredictable smell that he drops behind the walk...

Shit!!! Cant believe it has such influence on me. But since he doesn’t speak that much I need to keep myself occupied. Filling my self with “yes, I really like him!”
But knowing something else…

Had a long thinking process. Trying to talk with the heart and complex mind. The agreement came. “Lets give him a chance.”
I found my self sitting in a rag of being a bitch to him.:(.

I jumped to the by the beach street and hurry to drugstore for some first aid help after kissing him and looking deeply in his eyes just to make shore that past 2 days of bad feeling is purely my imagination..didnt find much.

((read:he has its parts to...yaya...but this is about personal guilt that i always can prevent)(where is that i?!?!))

Was cold and took him for granted. Didn’t care about his private world. Truth, I didnt want anybody and was trying to push him away.

Beach..
Kisses and agreement we meet in the boat after he finish his swimming exercises.
There I was taking the sun on a boat that do magicaly become Islands of peace so close to the loud city, blabla and beer, smell of burned cheese and selling voice: “Ricolete..”

Island of happiness..he was swimming towards me.
Funny he strikes me the most as the romantic gentleman from english streets with a bit cold character but very warm gestures..He must be lost coming from out of space or out of time.

Hidden beat can be taken from him, secretly, letting me know he is at all time on top of situations. His silence is his strongest possession. It creates the picture inside of the frames.

Like a pen i wanna write with..but he is just not using ink that would be leaving marks behind for me to see what is written, u know..when u forget...so of what use is than this pen!?!?
To me...jajaja.
A twist to this emotional fueled logic machine.
Why would anything be written anyway..Its a memory trap. Its so easy to manipulate when one depends on a limited memory..maybe i need to step out and try a life based only on a memory and no security protection behind, just to expand it!?

The question is do i really want that with him, now!?

He came on a boat, kissed and step into silence. “Fock,” I hate this because I know it will happen. Why he doesn’t say anything..its been weird for last 2 days..he wasn’t there????what !?!?”
I let the silence flow, making my eyes catching the beauty in front. I calm down. He is tired. To much non sleeping hours for him and too much thinking of me about it.

Back in the saddle of the waves..turning into dolphins made all the difference. “Oh, my GOD!!! How can I ever live away from the ocean!??!”
One dive, non breathing time that doesn’t need air..makes me wanna try if I can stay there for a longer time..i push and push limits but its always fear that puts my head on the surface.
Yet, I did improve and could swim for a a long time under, than take just a short breath and continue. Repeating that for like 20 minutes..i do twists and turns, changing the swimming technique, in a try to move like dolphin..arrrrrr.
Since I improve my balancing so the water don’t enter my nose or ears anymore im much braver and behave in ocean like its my natural environment…spending hours in.

Feeling the sun while taking the death man float when spotted giantess clouds coming from behind of the city on us…people started to pack. We were still in the water. I looked at him he smiled, came closer and we started to be weightless under, on top of the water. So much fun..ajssss…swimming close, making curves round the bodies, going under the shade of it and back on top. Roll between warm hands, going back deep and kissing the knee…mmmmm…
Rain drops started their sound symphony, as ballerinas performing tragedy. The surface was another face of the ocean now. Colors had gone into gray oily liquid, not a single millimeter of glazed sea. All was a birthing place. With millions of new young borne, popping out of the sky womb and fell into ocean..one by one, but to many, endless counting could take place.

He started smiling even more, not many of us were still in the water. Big waves started to come. By this time half of the gray hard cloud heaviness was upon us in front sun still having its time of the day. A clear line between to opposite sides, yet being there together, rain, sun, clouds and clear sky…was freaking out with admiration was lunching new rhythm drum from the heart.
What happened was that minutes before sun needed to give all the sky to wild rainy clouds he painted them into a fluorescent indigo blue color with some rays of him still managing to escape.
What a spectacular view.
I looked at him and said to myself, will give u a chance. Knowing it really has nothing to do with my future.
But do I live for future or do I live for now. For what it has been given to me!?

Cuting off ff f..

"What a life" she screamed. Turned of the light and back to sleep she was.

Ridding a horse is her favorite thing.. ”its a thing i have for it”, sometimes explanations comes from her mouth, so u don’t even notice that she in a brag.
She is a very funny lady in a non lady way..or better lets play with this and put her lady stand on a something under that is not so very ladiesh..

Stories she sell for money. She is very rich and very laid back..yet, not always and just on the surface..she slips sometimes. That is when the juicy stories begins but get in companied with reasonable doubt. Butterflymosquito..hahaha..she would love this explanation!!!

U see her life before was more a constant rope of flashes that got pulled in and out from her head by her own hands. Now she is stable in that sense and prefer to put her hands on more solid stuff. “Like a man!?”,again it would be pulled from her pockets of self ironic remarks.

She is holding her pen as she is holding her new man once layed in bed or a swinging hammock.. She is in ..discovering a brand new way. And that way gave her a breath of freedom that very time when she does everything best as she can goes floating in her body. She follows it with all possible senses..trilling unexplainable ride..she gets selfish in that and goes on journey, very private one.
Did u know she got a man now? He is very handsome. A jujitsu master..(since time of knowing him is not in her favor she hopes also he doesn’t turn out as a master of some kind a disaster) Sense of humor is her river. Bathing there keeps her going and life like that becomes softer and lighter…dust from to crowded sand streets get washed away, it’s a going back to the nature walk and its very much like a purism in a most religious way. But when her words share wisdom it gets splashed on shores of ears through personal experiences. As if one would live only try and than move on.

Sex was pushed away for a long time. Putting on weight became a low. Old description after braking up with a guy that was there in an altar of forever. Still she manage somehow to fell happiness over it. In bikini she would walk proud..a very muscle structure is moving underneath, just covered with fatty pleasures that satisfied her sexual and emotional need. But realizing it all made things that are suppose to grow to continue with no stopping.

……………………………………………………………..WHAT!?!?!?..................................................................................

…a part is taken out and the ending is not reveled since it’s a part of a mystery and life…things are not meant to begin or end..but simply are here to exist.

If followed by wisdom a poet would no find reason to explain it, mathematician would fight for a while and than found equation, since it exist, philosopher would become a boring preacher..but me..i just don’t care right now, that is why posting is a freedom. This days life is not complicated anymore, many times. This is one of those times..