D...a DF.FF

Weekend in DF was strange, great, loving, fearful, full of compassion and realizations. It was a weekend in DF!!! Of course its confused in explain it..

After spending good wet Zipolite time, where me and girls encounter even bigger surprise by being invited to a nice hotel with good food. From Thursday to Tuesday time was clicking differently. It went to slow to slower. Laying as death corpses on a not so shady swinging bed, eating what mind desired, drink what once was seen in best movies..life was hard, yeah, right!!! I fell in love with my girls, NINA, MARTA, one more time.

Reunited in DF was now warm inside more than outside. Burned and skin in a start to peal, party time began. That usually freaks me out. I cant stop, when there is no time to stop. So we went for it,. Tired or no, with a plan of a calm night we never ended before 5 am. Teenage people mostly in their minds. So was I. Not better or worst.
Meeting a very nice girl, my exboyfriend woman(from Croatia) made me kind a , well its weird, but it’s a fact that is comforting to me…will not speak of why its only for close minds, jajaja..love me more for not sharing all.
She has a big strong spirit and I see my self in her.
I needed to say goodbye from her with a kiss and sentence ”u have a really good person in ur life(meaning boyfriend)” and I meant every little intension in it.

Went on a date, with a guy, that from 2nights ago that I lean my eyes on him for the first time I could see some fishy stuff.. but as he is very cute and obviously well secure in money issue, everybody thought he is a nice guy. And he is. Just!!!
It turned out he has some deep shit issues, that he somehow doesn’t wanna clear out of his life. I mean. He is highly intelligent. But using ,think, this bizarre needs to share them as provoking..but mainly I believe, himself. Just a fact that he jumps from one identity as a strong man to other as a hurt boy made me feel that.
Was thinking how boring..so many people live their lives based on idea of who they are, and than they need to work on it so much!!! Its not interesting its to obvious!!!! Get a grip!!!

After talking for some time we reached family matters and could see his pain and in that moment a trigger that turned him into not so pleasant CUTE MAN.hum..we all have our traumas, but should we stay for their sakes prisoners of them!??!Hard working robots to please this invented by hurt identity, something not ours?? Of choices that were made by us or other such a long time ago!?!?


To bad..good looking guy in Mexico is hard to find..one is lost..shit, is what I think about!!!
And good luck!

Market in the morning

“Girl? Where did u lost ur shoes?”, as on going guilt was asking. Mother and father, teachers, lovers..all that once was adored and admired fall in the voice of guilt.

Chaska left for market to buy some meat and pick up the left overs for her 2 found dogs. She got overwhelmed by the progress her little action is producing. Something she thought is just one more maltreated dog by the street in possession of someone that is doing it, became a real matter of life and death. But how she couldn’t see that before?

So much fake and stupid priorities she made in her life. Like going to another party and than feeling dead of reality for at least 3 days. “What is driving me to look for times of getting always of myself?”

She than spends hours on remind her who she is. Its never clear line between the life u are and the life u live. She knows that, but its easy to forget when most of people are living corpses…It’s a sad fact, but take the mirror in your face, see the eyes and chicks when u ask , “Why is this life so important to me…What are things that I do that are so important?”, after a definition she went, “What I really wanna do? What excites me? What makes me happy??”…and sad face followed when, “ What is so important in my important life that im not living what is really important to me and than by all means to all of us!?!? “ life and death, something like that got twisted in a normal thing for a humanity…beings are dyeing in front of our everyday walks to the store and when someone helps they are surpised with “UAAAU!” … and weird looks r glue on u.

Important to someone is what is important to majority. Living the customs of all..being popular and chick…being..?

”FOCK ME, FoCK IMPORTANT IDEA OF me!!” She shouted and put her clothes of in front of the market..people became afraid. Some turned their faces of disgust away, unloved men lick their lips with hunger, grand mother took of her sweater and tried to embrace her with it..protected love..all where protecting something..non could just except the difference and let it be…

“It is only a pain in your memory!!” She than continue in her coming calm voice.

“ Pain when u knew they are not fair to u. Only a child that wants to touch, observe, put on a favorite clothes..but ur idea dint match to theirs combinations and they took choice away, took away ur own point of view..i just wanna feel my choice. It’s never about hurting u. Dont posses that power, but I do have the power to free my self and I have to try. Can u understand in that little corner of ur mind, where u know life is so much more that what we try to maintain for sooooo long…generation to generation..living confused dreams of so long lost past. People died for ideas of others, failing them, ‘couse they were never part from them. But this is a part of me. Its my dream to set free of what they keep persuading me its wrong, but I never sow it as wrong..Dont want to feel wrong about myself!!Of u!! I wanna see u as trying ur own choices as well!! “

She put her clothes on and continue a way to the market. Seat down and ordered granola and yogurt and went analyzing into what just happened, what are the results. Shame came on her face and colored it. Chaska was happy. As she didn’t run, but listen to her need, she somehow gain power of being untouchable. People’s whisper about her spreaded fast, but her head was high up and people after soon though it’s a story of gossip with no real ground and they continue seeing her as Chaska with clothes on. A normal girl that goes to market to pick up meat for her 2 rescue dogs, that nobody seen but they decide to believe her story…hahaha…she was surprise, how people choose what to believe and what not.

She was never the same and she is becoming she of her own free she. Step by step. J

Soft fly

Really..

Fire. Burned skin. Flesh in smell. Dinner. Way out to way in. Peace. Go.
Remember?! Taking clothes, discipline them. Joy comes from horrible actions. Thinking of God. Making suffer and gaining respect. Road to famous. Lucky moment to realize is left a side. No mourning.
Trilling walk. Woods is dark. No fear. Why not continue!?


Play the song. One knows which. One doesn’t need words. Timing comes naturally right. Hope into future. Sitting close. Air. Must be love.
Fire. Burned skin. Flesh is touched. Breakfast. Way in is way out. Happiness. Stay.
Fell it!? Leaving clothes. No actions. Thinking of u. Let it go and loosing nothing. Stopped in present.
Free in flow. Soft fly. So much light. Brave. Why not continue?

Oaxaca.

The rest is history. Better like that. Since I miss friends from Brazil more I imagined. Beach, sea, hotness, misty air. Acai, beautiness of people, dancing nights, drums..

But the other side is here with me. As always Mexico convert me into more sweet Nina..softer, lighter, in calm and knowledgment that is on tips of fingers. Just an action away.

Meeting great people is putting u deeper into the living society.

Im talking classes of guitar. Took before in a small school. The noise, the mixture of students that have no idea and students that are pushing violins bow, guitars gets peach with them, knowing what they are doing..the other room of practice was separated by open door and open top wall. Nothing was to make silence in there. To much noise and to little or better no interest of teacher towards his students..a waning place. didn’t like and I left as passiveness is encountering many people of not being a good friend with it!!! Believe it doesn’t even have a sex definition. Way to passive for it!!!

Hehehe.

“Julio is a great guitarist player, teacher, composer..here is his number!”, Guillermo is a sweetest man I have found. In life!! Just being round him makes u happy and content. U just know that all is the way it should be. He is actually Willy!!! Grayed hair architect, with a characteristic nose and warm eyes, great Jaime’s friend. Just yesterday when he had a whole weekend visits and bumping in each other is a common thing, jajaja, we ended up sharing the whole, Mexico lost in football, day.

It turned out all more than that!

Went to a big market an hour away, after Jaime drove me to see dogs that I found last Friday leaving a swimming pool, that was aloud to enjoy alone in after opening hours, big Olympic pool, back in waters arms, happy ,happy. And as I was leaving caught a horrible and unforgiving situation that a dog was in. He has a collar that is starting to opening his neck. It’s a middle aged Doberman. On a half meter chain. Not even able to stand proper. No food for long weeks left him laying as a pile of bones. Dry pot, no water , no shade, under hot Oaxacan sun...and a white young, like year and a half, friendly dog that has just began the same destiny a meter away.

Went to buy food in a next open kitchen tent by the road..rice and left over’s of meat made a perfect snack, water. They don’t chew, they were just swallowing as big as they could bite in the food. It can tear ur heart apart!

Next day.

I found nice butchers that gave me a lot of meet, cooked it with cuscus and went to feed them, with water. Today im stepping on that property as a blond stupid girl with a lot of pain in her self always finding comfort with dogs..hope a change can be made with the owner. “Please, universe. Step on a good side with me! Lets awake goodness in this man! Please! What do u say?”

The rest of the day putt me to look for balance. Thinking having a perfect day, after realizing it a situation like that turned out. And the minute I wanted to shout out of me “WhY, THE FUCK WE CREATED THIS SUFFERING!? Why choosing pain and stupidity at all times..WHY??!?!?”

It came clear. Its to balance. If one day we decide not to enjoy anymore, the pain will automatically disappear, to! As minute when someone is happy there is one, at the same time, very sad. And between them various people being caught in the middle of the process. So if u would put them together u would find all stages from happy to sad that we go through on their faces. Emotional exposition, this could be. Lets make theater of us! For all of us to see. How true that is.

Understand of life better is making me surrender to life in a much grater scale. Im not afraid as I use to be. I accept fear and sadness and understanding above it. So it comforts me at the same time. Even it’s really letting go. Working in not accepting other’s misery , pain happiness, excitement as my own.

Big luggage gets of ur chest.

Be brave and clean ur self from things that don’t serve to anybody. Than act out of wisdom!

We left for ruins after breakfast in a market place and after game. Mitla, they close it in front of our faces..in good will we left for another’s..Yagul! inspirational view. Some nice photos, than off to dinner time in a fairy caste house of Guilermo on the hill. Uaaau…young chef was there and prepare a “Risotto” as Sicilian gene is running strongly in his vein. Vine and great conversations…night tock us into the sl

eeping point. Was time to say goodbye from beautiful people.

And hallo, today!!!

Mexico

-->

“In the worst case I will just go home, or Cusco, or Salvador..” usuall response as echo when a tremble salutes a new life in a different country or a city. This time is not opening a new book or just writing a new page. It is an old book with a new chapter. So that means it has a continuing process in it. With some well familiar characters and more the main character is back and it has all this old memories, but many new experiences.

What come to a writer’s first thought is a a question of what is the point of this chapter what is different, there must be a growing part?? Some kind of new perspective on all this life situations??

Before writing must say it feels as a circle being whole. If i ever pointed the beginning of something than for shore this feels as an end. Or conclusion, or answer..many more turns out to be, but definitely the opposite of a time when a story of Mexico began.

Mexico 2

Didn’t sleep much. Saying goodbye to friends and land of Salvador was more tiring for me as I ever wanted to confess. The mission to learn and to know the life beyond emotional detachments let me down and was sad. But as good works in a competition with bad, was also happy. After all I was heading back to a place where I was a princess. Family loved me and I love them. More. As a princess I could see places and was excepted in all best things that one could imagine.

Waiting the night to pass and plane to the chosen destination iwas ready came fast in expectation and long in all that was putted in perspective that night. It was mainly ex boyfriend and life I could not achieve not even knowing it was considered as a achievement .

I understand now after a year why situation was the way it was. How I could be turned into directions allowing my self to breath the different decisions just because I wanted to try one thing..

..

Some how I manage to erase him few minutes after I left the land of dreams.

All that happened to us, decisions we made made sense, so was happy it turned out the way it did and so did the ending that is still converting into something, but that should be explained in its time of the story.

Knowing that eyes will again stared into chocolate fire put me to a mind test. Was imagining everything. Had no real contact with him or with him just in my mind and did not bring him into my past year livings. I decided that he is free of me and all that was left was a love that is much greater that a body could understand , a memory of someone that is special, will always be, just timing of our clocks was beating different and priorities where not running the same round.

When plane left us into light gravity space, beyond clouds, weight of mind stayed there in Brazil. Breathing was smooth. And even if i didn’t really know what happened it worked.

Mexico, Taxi. Im here. Open the door in a sweet castle apartment on Nuevo Leon and Marina opened the door.

She share something very Mexican with me. Again it’s a chapter if this would really be a book.

She hold me as if she new me and I hold her sincerely back. Still alerted I don’t know her.

It all faded away. Marta was still in the shower when shouting for her began. She embrace me and made me feel home. Covering me with water that was still crying down of to early taken away pleasure of showering.

latter.

Connection was made with him and so did the hug. We are in peace and feelings are loving and friendly. Content with where I am I surrendered and put my self in a seat of this Mexican train with no belt but a huge trust. Im always ok.

Thank u all with Me!!

Opposite of being steady-im a rolling rock!!!!

"Where do we stand??"

U look at ur feet first than judge, but please, dont expect im gonna really listen!
“Its like this ,man. I have to live my life. And just after trying for a long time of fitting and failing into something that is called a normal life I realize im just loosing the time and more, the mind. I don’t think im so normal in that sense. Even thou, I really think ur the one who is crazy, but its ok. The matter is that we are the opposite sides of the same circle. “

“Let me finish.”

“I did go to the park and walk the wood trail. But at the end the water was dry and there where no water fall, baby!!!U still wanna be my baby!? After I throw bad apples in u, ur favorit fruit??!!”

I don’t wanna be close to u no more. That is the fact. I see ur not good enough for what I have in my mind. Than there is another side of the coin that we hold together. When u stand close to me and I can smell u and u touch me..yeah, why u always touch me when we brake up?!?! U know..u know I don’t want to resist. Life is short and I don’t see a point of pushing u away with a lie that I don’t wanna see ya. It was a clear moment. Straight point, u said: “U don’t wanna see me no more?!” I brought silence on my tongue. U repeated the question...i kept going with some slips of smile...i can never get serious when it is serious , don’t take it personally, ok?!.
I stopped. Went back in ur eyes and told u the truth. “I cant say I don’t wanna see ya. I do wanna see ya, couse we had something that makes my skin sharp as a sharks skin but I also don’t ever wanna see ya, couse u make me sad. We keep saying one thing than doing another. I cant!!...
Our relationship is based on what flesh is saying and there for possessions and wanna be full of ideas is very much a live.”

“Know that I turn away from this type of relationships...but u kept coming back and I saw  it in ur eyes  back in our boat that night, saw the sun set behind u on the beach, than saw u swim and being alone as u always where before I and i just didnt resist no more. I called u. U came.”

U pulled me close and kissed me so finally I shouted up!!
Latter u said ur coming to my flat to say hallo to a friend. I said ok. But I never went home.

Stay kissing me, but please go away!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ups----------------

That was the story written on a wall next to the beach I usually go for a swim. Today I went with Sara. A very good friend of mine I shall miss. She is under my skin.
Than while I was explaining her what I read I forgot of my present and convinced I know what im doing I pull her on a wrong bus not ever realizing its wrong. She came to senses. We fall in laughter and never went to dance but stay in the hostel , took a very long shower and I told her I really love her. After we feed the skeleton dog that found us in the near by park and he got this idea that we could become his family. We love him, named him Dumbi, but we are all going away. Let us hope for best. Since he is un undercover best looking and friendly dog ever. Barking for few hours and experiencing a true revolution of being alive.
Oh, yes, he is still alive and Loco the big black Labrador is swinging with his tail telling him, “ur such a big dog, man!!! U bark like it took me years, but look at u learned it in mater of hours! few shoots of good food and ur singing the bark away, I m proud I meet u , Dumbi!!” u see, Loco is a very wise old soul and don’t need the pressure in him to express him self to much and make noise for attention. He is very Budha.

Good night. Mijav 