Bited nails

Cant believe its been 10 days since my last postings…putt myself in a timetrap, baby..:)

Its been crazy since I started to work in a Guest house. I needed a job for more than one good reason. Yet more reasons why I keep forgetting to come home came. Life is tricky and once u have a thought caught on all is settled u start losing some of the leashes letting space u invade expand . That is really a juicy part of it. And yes there is a lot of beer juice or agave juice or vine juice( no , this one is a lie), fruit juice and cachasa juice..

A dangerous country is really, this Brazil as whole world likes to let u know. I’m hearing directions set as a rule in ears of travelers by a reception counter what is safe and where something for shore can happened. Must let u know I don’t agree. I’ve walked places with camera in the palm, im blond and flirty and bad situation in all this time avoid my way. Being lucky?! Coud be putted that way, but I think it can be said that the thoughts are not calling shity memories. And even if they do happened ( things that some would call bad, dangerous) mind turn them into a good stuff, something new that has been discovered. Its sense of humor too that is needed. Helps..all tools together will make u wise.

Larissa came last week after being in disappearance for a week with a very skiny guy, that instead of dreads made his head bigger with other kind of knotting but have no idea what would be the name of it..(Slovenian-kitke)

Dido is still my more put on “decoration”, jajajaja…my favorite one. He is growing in his relationship and just reached the agreement with his man to live an open relationship.. he came out straight after a while of thinking what would be the right thing to do. He knows what he wants(the whole world as he likes to jokes) and he is not a typo of the guy that will lie or hold something back if he knows better.

Im thinking while eating all this new concept..well, old concept new the in how alive is now, being put in action..experiencing them from such closeness I get infected.. heart is listening and mourning in a happy way about fading aspect that he was use to follow before. Mind creation set aspects in the manual of how this body should function.

Fuck, love, hate and drag that demonist love butterfly in the air. Let is shine while it stuff his light in ur back side. U know that a word doesn’t make it alive, right!? So why stress if I fuck and why love if I get gentle and sweet.

Watch the actions, go deaf sometimes. Its good!

Im getting to know the life of travelers from another point of u. The fears get expressed, think conversation are more intimate that with best friends u know for ever. It’s a travelling spirit that gets loud with trust and knowledge good people are usually the ones u meet, when exploring around.

All stories they have, things they do or better how strong and change they turned.

Loco is my best friend there. He is a black Labrador, hairy that does get smelly soon in the heat of Salvador. I need to wash him this week. On my free we’re aff to be lost on streets of Pelurinho. We have cold water for him and white plastic pot. He makes me pretend I don’t know him sometimes when piing on a painting that an artist put on the street, happens. I mean u have to respect his freedom in this full of people place, he was broth here to live among us and his way of understanding art is different. So I suppose he didn’t really like it( I didn’t either) and he tried to was the bad idea of the canvas and make it ready for some better moments to be expressed there. Dogs are practical..

He is on a invisible leash. It’s love that grow between us and that he doesn’t move away from it, or better that he likes to follow it. Last Friday we did it again. Stopped in one of the bars, making shore sun is not hitting his black fur. Water was dripping out of his mouth, he shake the head 4 times and sprinkle it round peoples exposed skin(and that should be fine, since they are all wet of a sweat anyway). Me and beer made friendship that day and words where listed in a book, thank god, finally after a while of not being there for them. L

Tuesday is the craziest time of the week in old center. Everybody on the street, all bars open, even better, street bars get created on the spot, beer Skol is R$2, cashasa with my new favorit flavor-ginger is R$2 one shoot or R$8 garafa..last one is parked in the bag making shore the continent of liquid is disappearing not to slow.

Geronimo is big person in size and a great and famous singer here. He has his all year round stage down steers on a beautiful front church corridor , every Tuesday.

U gonna see us there. Rain want stop us, just push us into Sancofa earlier. I hate R$10 that needs to be payed at all times( except if Inbal-boss is with us, but even him(a very interesting being) is leaving in few hours back to Bogota). Club is great..cool and professional music, good atmosphere with nice people and inTheMood dancers. Smoking area is on the roof terrace with a Pelurinho view.

Simon is gona be the commander of Nega Maluca from Monday on. He is a sweet French speaking Canadian, that is doing something out of his life in a different way. Sara, Italian blood, from Trieste is a party partner. We do salsa and like to talk about guys that dance with us: “Lets go and find where they work. Simon recognized one and they are close to Nega…”, we still didn’t go. They all bite their nails. More than me..

Tomorrow..:)

"..the worst place."

“Yeah, I need to write”..it comes to me as if I don’t have any more time..and I can just laugh with silliness im putting in words..””NO TIME!??!!?” Than counting of pass moment begins.
Larissa is on a curse. Its some kind of preparation to go back to school..she must be feeling so proud after a while of being a free everything she could be, to start building in system future..money can be good, jajaja.
Ridding a wild bike with a long hair dread looking muscle guy, praying behind the secret stone to Good. i mean u name it she will give u a story. She is rich there. Loving continue with Ana Paula that came today to the gym in green and black clothes. Shiny earrings’ where waving with a music rhythm while doing pilates. Instructor Bruno came by latter with Dan in o ur house. We drank 2 bottles of vine which sounds delicious, yet I must tell u the secret that we drank something more similar to grape juice with alco..its an experience.
Dido is working and painting, actually spraying the white fabric and making me desire his work even more.
We get lazy and un organize when it comes to do things for ones are close. And that is mainly our fault because we always say when, “u have time, don’t hurry!!!

Its still a mad world.

I started to work and my new profession is a receptor in a guest house in San Antonio, that is next to the Pelurinho and it’s a romantic part of the old city with charming and wonder world detailed buildings..that makes u happy by looking at them.
I pass the same street every morning with Loco, black as black hole in the space ,Labrador of 8 years..we’re a bit in love..so easy with some beings..jajaa
I must confess something.
My body is wild and looking for comforts of sweetness in sugar. Its lost sensations are awake as those street dogs in the evening when sun goes down and everybody thing air is colder. If they could only see its not!!!
Coming out on the street, dogs jumping on each other, guys whistling after girls, topless pain for the eyes.
Opening the beer bottles starts, music spreads all round, dancing, capoeira, smells of sweet parfumes is touching noses, walking is accompanied with sound of high heals that are rubbing their end in peeled stone surface..polished with years it looks full of stories..

U walk , u imagine the time before the time u know…black color being dress in all white, sombreros , perfect white teeth and hungry white skin that is weeping the wild body of servant, ‘couse its just to much passion floating through them..they are not use to it. Demands of destroying the black culture is on and unsatisfied European man is a small monster trying to eat the fruit of joy through pain of one that carries it inside of him..its all written in this road im taking again and again..

Flesh I want, let it be spread over me as butter.

Its gona melt it in seconds..im burned from inside..more because im keeping it inside, don’t let be expressed with action.

It looks as if im looking for one religious being that shares my believe..is it alive?!

Am I strong enough to finish what I started!?


I choose the worst place for it.






“Dido should we marry!? YES, than u can stay here in peace.” I asked his boyfriend Fabio and he is fine with it. So, why not..maybe it would be fun to do it!!!
Well its just the idea, like the idea of those wooden floor im having in the future in my love house..its just the idea.
Since im not shore where its coming from..imagination or vision. So will take time on this!! Let it comes too me…im here, ready to kick if necessary.
But what if somebody should kick me!?!? Hm..think it would be pleasant to..lets see.

Now, go to sleep stranger. Mwa.

Thinking of flowers

“In every flower lays the begging.

I see u flower how u blossom from once being invisible to my world of experience. However now i‘ve been watching ur growth and death and coming back to life as a new flower my understand flourished with colors. Joy is written in small printed words behind my skin. As flesh they thorn u apart in times and bleeding of light takes place very openly. Im condemn to be u. To feel u becoming the life, the light never the last. Of becoming me.” . . .
“Little garden I sat in the future. A moment came when future revel to me. It was u flower that I could feel and be. It was from ur rises in chest that I cloud flew from into the universe and seat on a chear of wisdom and started to read the book in front of old treasures that have been on reach all the time..”

We finish the joint that sometimes serves as a key to go beyond existing and sometimes lays in the cradle of entertainment that we like so much. The past few days I was interrupted by informations. The secrets that I could find without looking. And I could not go past knowing the time, again, is here to remember the time before blindness.

Im watching people in front of me..Aline, that has a set smile face. The virtue that is accelerating her to speak words of greatness is something I was amazed. I did not expect any of this warmness that is soul grounded, here. I left myself go down on a leather of awareness and forgot we are all one and we all know everything.

As she continue, flashes where having its fun in my mind..heart was trembling and muscles were trying to bring back the body to rule my life. Nothing I could really do. I stood there with eyes focused on Alini and observe the situation. Beautiful butterfly I sow in her. She didn’t actually touch her lips while delivering her family tradition of respect that is served among them, on a tongue.

I felt sad my family wasn’t set like this. I became as a child in its first disappointment. As for the first time seeing a picture of heaven and realizing how my world is different from it. Imagine living in a little Ireland of nothing having one tv screen and one program that keeps showing u how great and happy life is somewhere else, sourounded with so many things and understanding and love. Than looking around, ur has not even 2 of those things..

At first , when centered on the outside, missing of something take place and if followed by patient heart one will soon get to the point of not seeing anything outside since there is just to much to see and its make u way to much tired trying to chase something that its not here , that is just a movie, just an explanation, just something that u cannot really touch.. One’s continuous searcher, a hungry force for knowledge, will turn all sensors on the inside into, why all this feelings, will found the whole world laying there. If love can be felt and fear melted with all illusions, the imagination can create all that u need for ur desires to be four filled. Nothing exist in us or outside of us, for no reason. And there for why make a selection when we could embrace all and live as complete. Couse only selections are the one that separates one from another putting focus on limits instead of using the same power that can never stop producing in us for something great and evolving as personal growth that can be only seen if one excepts all. Live through the comparisment and slowly find its own understanding of reality, how and why things are the way they are. Difference of something the we call good and bad, both serve the same goal. And both need to be experienced in order to be understood. If u shell trust other one’s word or feeling u shall start to built ur life on something that is taken from another environment, another perception and it might as well happens that in few years or many years after u shall realize u where never living ur life never knowing who u are, what u like, what is love and why u love a person next to u, why u have children now when ur so not complete and there is so much u want to experience, do... Than a hurt can grow and people , especially children, can be put on a side track and be influence of ur disappointment , sadness , depression, uncontrolled mind and more.

U see u can not travel and really see what is going on while u travel if u keep looking for what is missing in ur life, what more u need to do in the future, how to correct or cover something done in the past..i know it’s a circle of one being in the present knowing, everything from past put u in this position now, yet don’t try to make old things better but just take the knowledge of how things progressed, evolved before and use that with new things that are happening. Be brave in ur new challenges and take advantage of new reactions. Use different words, make a different face, put on a different stile of clothes, change what u do, explore.. Play. The world is a playground. And we all know it. Be a child so that u can be a better adult. Be a grandmother so u can participate in games with wisdom. And breath..that is all u really need to do. Know that u know, trust and wait for its time when knolidge its self will step out and do it response and breath. Just breath. Use imagination on breathing..begin where it begins..

With first breath we became human..not before or after. It is a breakthrough moment. If one doesn’t do it it dies. It’s a black and white dimension. Yet that is just for the body..its like we turn on a light, turn it on!!! ..as we breath the electricity needed for this body made to do experience, starts to flow. So ,that sounds to me as the right center to focus on with tools that are available to our consciences..

Imagine all that u could become if u would put all ur focus of thoughts with this best intension on it, on a breath..imagine the feelings of breathing only im a great singer all the time. There would be no time of going any were else In life but to become a great singer. U see mind it’s a frequency that is spreaded all through out the body and far around us. It’s another trigger that starts to call things in our life and its really a pattern , a plan of who we are becoming.

Part of innocence as being a child is more difficult now, because u see a child is perfect, yet being raised in a society that provides only one side of information and therefore it has created( the society) one side parents , it gets stuck for a while. It gets ”trapped” into this ideas from parents and his first reactions can be mainly reflections of them. Yet, we grow physically to gain a stronger body for a stronger mind. It all has a beautiful mirror in it. Its quite stupid to continue to live old chewed and taken ideas of others when u were meant to produce ur own..and u keep doing that, keep producing them, but they can be shut of because of those old frames, patterns.

There is a perfect part in u, an all mighty cell that can never get influence by any thought or anything but good, light, extreme power of keep growing seed..

Find it, live it!!

:) hehehehe..and share more kisses..think I wanna kiss somebody.. I DO!!!

!WAKE UP!!"

“Nina, Nina!!” Dido’s voice woke me up. I remembered he is not here. He stayed over Fabian’s place. Than how can I hear his voice waking me up!? Few more minutes was trying to convince myself its dream in a try go back to sleep. Body was tired couse I put him to bed quite late..and shadows on the wall made from sun light entering the small window told me its still very early or cloudy. But I live in Salvador so sun is regular..u can trust him and tiredness together, it’s very early.

I couldn’t sleep, no more. With eyes barely opened went to brush my teeth and sew the mess in the upper bathroom. I knew its time to clean it. My boys like to shave their whole body's end let all lay t here.. sometimes humans get way to similar to animals. And here in Brazil u can see it everywhere. But more about that later. So dogs are waiting for their new fur to grow and so are the boys..:)

Internet was left there. I found a big surprise , again, how much more a breath when I don’t start a day with it.

Music was on, Maria Gadu, she turned out to be one of my favorite here. Todo diferenti was put on repet and cleaning the house began.

Dido’s voice that woke me up was settled for 7 am and it was a dream. It turned out I was alone in the house , even Jerra was absent . Cleaning was fun . was hopping for a visit. I got use to full house , people stopping by. Nobody came.

House was ready for life in a shiny way. Made the coffe and cooked papaya and lime jam put it on the warm bread and went to the terrace. Computer turned on and letters were in line in mind to be formed as sentences.

Dido’s voice again..and a smiling face followed. He came with a kiss, tenderness in his moves are always there. He is dedicated gay yet he almost makes me feel more of a loved woman than before in a passionate relationships my big loves. A adore him. In love I am and I love him more profound to..he is a delight. The limit is clear and my love can flow towards him freely, since the physical part is never mixed and emotions come from a heart, not desire. It’s a real love story! J

Thinking of Dan.I called him to go to the beach and he said no, Nina, I cant(hearing the weight lifts behind)!! I said goodbye with Ok, see ya latter.! Than connection with this conversation went to Ana Paula’s from his side and few seconds latter to Dido and back to me…funny circle..later Dan found me on a terrace and said:” lets go to the beach!! “ another surprise, why did he come, he said he can’t!? We left.

Me and Dan are weird. I see him half human and half alien. But he doesn’t know it. He forgot. Here in Brazil its hard for people to remember who they really are. Since they are very young children flow turns into a 100% physical level. Sex is a social communication and nothing more. Love inside of it is an unexcited idea that all heard about it but was never put in action. Disappointing place for a romantic dreamer that can not evolutes. Thank god im just half of that the other half is fast in adapting and accepting.

Who is Dan and why half alien!? Simple, he can not stay present here for to long. His fragile soul keeps taking him away. Body shouts down, heart beats on him minimum until he comes back. He cant control it. Not yet or not anymore. If he wont remember who he is he might be living in this two separated worlds forever. And that can be a long time.

He has a heart of a gold, mind of a soldier, body of a buffalo, shape of a model and energy of a liquid fire, that sleeps away. Very unusual combination. Very interesting for observer that feels much and knows much from experience. His extreme is a trip to learn more. Observer can feel fear, uncomfortable feelings from the whole palette, than honest love and tenderness, hand and hand with coldness and self centeredness. Protection or believe it’s a tiny line where one crosses one another.… But one word about Dan?! He is a good person.

She ask

Soft light, tears go down…sadness the lady is visiting sometimes. Comfort in words always I find even if heart can’t read why all this squeezing round his part.
Oh, my lady, dear friend u became, I’m use to having u around..so much I don’t really feel attention leading towards what others are saying u r about.
I think ur just a woman, that once was a girl. Memory got stuck in u and u don’t know how to set it free..
So I love u for that, compassion, my bracelet I’m giving to u.. always u will know ur welcome, don’t worry..time made me big!!! ” ..

..wanted to sing in ur ears, but language was the barrier and I too got stuck in silence. Instead I put my arms round u and put u closer to me. “ I love u”, and its hard to see u sad.
Larisa had a situation in her family, was worrying and now she is gone. I know she is close, yet her smiling face is missing and her “EIAAAAAAAAAAAA” shout before she crossed the door line.

In a mean while things are happening. Undercover police is working in my brains trying to get all RoRow family in Slovenia…I belive it’s a good plan, but situation in SLO is bad as in the rest of the world and money doesn’t lay in the streets anymore..a matter of speech that is.

Ana Paula is a shining star. Her chocolate glazed skin is soft and tender, her face fractures are well done master piece. She is so beautiful I could stare in her forever…and that is a long time.
She will roll her top down, make some occasional wind that slips through the window door , coming to fresh her skin.
Beyonce , her dvd concert, was in full power. Ana Paula would shake like Beyonce, when cought in view she would smile like the ocean tide with her “diamantes” on her teeth..
I came home a bit late from fitness. Done weight lifting and pilates at the end..great felling when pain enters ur brain and u control it with breathing so that u feel how air penetrate through pressure “nuts” that happens when body starts to resist and wants to get away from work out.
Came home, food was ready. Energetic Dido cooked macaroons with salsa . Creamy look with some “Irelands” of meat and yellow corn spots..it was delicious.
Not even taking shower I ran up to meet girls. Aline( Ana Paula’s cousin) and Ana Paula were there..talking(cachacacha(have no idea how to write it)small talk) got turn into serious question..Ana Paula whispered, while patting my knee:” Nina people wonder why ur here, leaving all behind, ur family, friends, singing..!? And u wanna stay here. Why!?” .
Sometimes I forget not the whole world already knows. I pore my self a bit more courage of thinking I speak portouges and went into explanation…” I had troubles with my voice. They became big enough for me to stop. And after a while I remembered I always wanted to travel.. Went to inquirery for the tickets when a surprise info was putt as a challenge on a table and I took it and left for USA the very next morning…huge surprise for me , family , friends…remember I went to see the travel agency for tickets for Asia and after an hour lady said, but tomorrow morning there is a very cheap ticket for San Francisco. I had my best friend living there…Urša!!!”(That time wasn’t still shore if life is a coincidence or a well prepared path)(yes, now I do )
”..driving back home, having one hour to make a decision and pay for the ticket I called another best friend Adela telling her we should meet since im leaving tomorrow for 3 month..she laughs..than said WHAT!??!? It’s a joke right!??! I said…mmm.. NOP…I think I will really go!! “Alone???” she countinuoe..( I didn’t even thought of that) just said:” YES, im going alone!”
Big click in my head and excitement . This was big for me and it change my life..for better, of course. Than 3 months turned into 3 years”, ( at that moment I realize im always living what I do…it was never really a vacation..it was a mission all a long)..
What a different point of view was back than. The end turned into a new beginning of something so new and beautiful..would never imagine that im going to seat here one day, talking with her and Aline in a land that was always to far country to even think of going...

First one pulled out of the middle.

“Oh, my GOD!!! They are kissing..can see a tongue gliding on lips of another man..can see the hand slipping from a back climbing on behind mountain of intimacy…!!” Im hot…not use to those things...

A public place. Sea is around us, children are playing, Larissa more under the water than breathing as a normal human being..”She doesn’t need air!?!?” was jealously following her how she kept disappearing under the surface than again twinkled with her long eyelashes round coffe eyes, from another place.. A poem sing in a high bird’s tone..

THE RAIN MIGHT FALL DOWN. FISHES MAY JUMP UP AND

TOUCH THAT BLUE VELVET SPY.

HE KEEP LETTING US KNOW WE ARE NEVER ALONE.

ONCE U SANK U SHELL FIND

WHAT U COULDN’T SEE ABOVE WHILE FLY.

DEEP IN WATER’s LAYS THE SECRET

DEEP IN SKY THE ANSWER IS FOUND.

WHY WE ALL ARE AND WHY WE WILL NEVER STOP.

I could see her. My beautiful new friend. “A bird that knows a fish’s breathing, a red paint that has colored ur imaginary wall, a woman in her that speaks out a man’s thought, a dream that was walking, talking so much u could hear the silence..” that is Larisa. Born to be famous, to charm the race than die and make a legend.

That same woman is a dolphin not putting even one look towards two man having sex in the water of purification..In the wide atlantic ocean.

I’m staring, not getting distracted by potentially being seen. Don’t care. I took advantage of freedom in a public place. Emotional fear mixed with desire is on the peak.

In the most confused situations life gets to feel deeper than usually.

A sexual rain was invisibly falling and melting of the skin. Unsuspected shock was turning adrenalin into desire.. That was a visible change for a European girl choosing to get stuck in a big city of Brazil-Salvador. The meant was far from thoughts about being touched being wet with passion or have the on and on taste behind my mouth ..a taste was fresh still without a name.

Brazil introduce it’s self to me. Im cought in it’s way.